Holidays...

We made it through Thanksgiving... albeit not easy with just ourselves...but I made all the traditional items to enjoy. Now we have Christmas to get through...personally if I could crawl into a cave and hibernate from Sept. 27th through Jan. 2nd I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to be awake because every waking moment throughout the "holidays" is a reminder that my family no longer feels complete. I am sadly grateful not to "have" to go to family gatherings or most Christmas parties. I know it sounds pathetic, but watching everybody celebrating with 'all' their family members is just so freaking hard... and yes I've said this before, but it just hurts so damn much. There is this constant, gut wrenching, nagging, anxious ridden, depressing feeling knawing at the pit of my stomach, that never seems to go away. And tends to be more obvious and annoying as we inch closer to Christmas. I avoided placing Austins personal ornaments on our Christmas tree this year simply because I just don't want to look at them, and unless the kids read this blog I don't think they've even noticed. I am eternally grateful for the ornament exchange group I had been apart of for a few years before moving. There are so many new ornaments on my tree, its all filled up.
I was fortunate to dream of Austin last night and feel slightly assured he is well and happy and that is always a relief... but it is also the cause of more emotional upheavals right now. I feel like this roller coaster continues to be never ending... the brakes have been cut and there are no emergency brakes on this sucker at all.
There is so much emotional ups and downs from everyone at home as well, if it were just me it might be tolerable, but with all of us on a different high or low of our individual roller coasters its hard to walk in that door every night. No one knows how each evening will unfold. Whether there will be joy and laughter or anger and door slamming. And typically its the latter of the two...making for a long/cranky evening for everyone.
I've also gained a new understanding as to why my mother can no longer hold down a job for any length of time.  I never know how I'm going to feel each morning as I awake and get ready for the day. Nor do I know how long that feeling will last whether it be positive or negative. Some days I can be on the verge of tears over everything said or done or not said or done. Or I can feel 'normal' like everything is just what it is or I can be the 'miss happy go lucky, overly positive do gooder'. And it never fails I can tell every stranger that crosses my path that no matter how difficult my sons death has been, or any circumstance we happen to talk about, that there is always something positive that can be derived from it all. When in fact I feel like another part of me is dying with each word and each breath in between.
Honestly, I've realized I still have no idea which way is up or which way is down yet and most days I wonder if I'll ever gain that footage again.
As always, may you find peace no matter what you're going through.
http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-73.pdf
 

Back to Guilt

The feelings of guilt seem never ending. It doesnt seem to matter what I do or how I do it, what I say or how I say it, back to work or stay at home mom...it's wrong in at least one persons opinion. I know this sounds like a pity trip and maybe to some degree it is. I am not perfect, nor is there a life manual to help me meet the expectations of those around me. I am me, I am hurting, I am sad and most of the time I am still lost in this pit of dispair.
I've gone back to work and my baby boy throws a new found feeling of abandonment at me. This breaks my heart because I know how much he is hurting and how much change he has been asked to accept. Yet I am unwilling to move back to our former town. One of my daughters falls into the teenage bandwagon and "accepts" challenges of additional self harm then the actions she already takes and I feel powerless to help her. One daughter has taken it upon herself to tell me I am doing everything wrong because I do not approach family problems in a manner she thinks is best, as I am not fitting the bill of mother in her opinion.
And now the holidays are upon us...I constantly have the T.V. playing the never ending Christmas movies in the hopes to put me in the mood for wanting to enjoy the holidays and honestly I think i'd rather be put in a medically induced coma until they are over... I pray this feeling ends in the years of holidays to come. It is so hard to want to enjoy them when your family unit is forever altered and feels incomplete. Family gathers of any nature feel wrong and depressing and this year I am some what glad we live too far away to be present for them and unable to afford the trip. Again this is selfish (and guilt inducing) because I know the kids would benefit from attending them and finding their normal for the holidays.
I find myself spacing off and finding solace in just feeling numb, which is so much easier then feeling anything good or bad.
To those who have found themself in these shoes, may you find peace in knowing your loved one is no longer lost or in pain. As I try to remember each and every moment of each and every day.

Birthdays

Today would have been my son's 20th birthday. And I am sitting recalling memories of the day he was born. He was so precious... Born on 11/11/92, at 11:06 am, he weighed 6 lbs 11oz and was 20 in long, he was born with 11 fingers 6 on his left hand... Aaaahhh his left side, so many things that we're wrong or could have been wrong with his left side... The top of his left ear did not curl over and it "should" have...that silly extra thumb that he always told me I should have left verses having removed when he was 7 months old. And then of course there was the disintegrated jaw on his left side discovered just 6 months before he died in 2011. My heart is full of love and life as well as sorry and grief for not seeing or realizing all that was bothering him. down. Not realizing how dark the road was that he was traveling, oh how I wish I could have lit the road and help guide him better then I had been doing. I pray to God I find a better way to raise the rest of the children He has blessed with me. Because I really do feel as though I failed some days in raising Austin.

I'd give almost anything to be able to celebrate 10, 20, 30 more birthdays with my son, instead I am left with the memories of the 18 birthdays I was allowed to have. Wondering how I am able to even get out of bed, yet knowing I have a life to live and reasons to breath and to remember to celebrate the life I have with my amazing family.

I love and miss you kiddo!!! May you have an amazing day no matter where you are in the universe. May you be blessed in your travels and love everything you are doing...

SAVE - Suicide is Preventable

www.save.org

"At SAVE we believe that suicide is preventable and that suicide prevention works. In order to accomplish our mission and goals, we use the public health model along with media campaigns and education to raise awareness of suicide. We use an educational approach to dispel the myths about suicide, and to let others know about the realities surrounding what the former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. David Satcher called a "public health crisis." On the following pages you will find information and resources that will help you if you are suicidal or if you know someone who is.

If you are suicidal or you think someone you know is, we want you to know that help is available and recovery is possible! Start by learning the warning signs, and do whatever you can to get yourself or someone you care about to the help they need so that they can return to living a fully functioning life."

Warning Signs of Suicide

These signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. Risk is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss or change.

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
• Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.

Additional Warning Signs of Suicide

• Preoccupation with death.
• Suddenly happier, calmer.
• Loss of interest in things one cares about.
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
• Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
• Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or mental health professional.

In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Guilt...

Guilt is the most common emotion felt after the death of a child, no matter the circumstances surrounding their passing...
I've read a few self help books, books on grief and grieving and have discovered that as much as I'd like to think I am done with certain aspects of the grieving process, only to find myself back on the same boat just a different day. It's like the boat just keeps going in these wide circles and then finds a whirlpool and gets stuck in a spiral type of spin. AND IT SUCKS!!!
Just when I feel like I'm secure in my "no more guilt" about his suicide, I find myself completely slammed, on the side of my head, with a two by four once again. I think back to all the "things" Austin was going through. All the crap that slammed into him in a 6 month time span and wonder if I could have helped change, alter or fix anything he was enduring. What could I have done differently, said differently. Could I have shown him more love, more understanding, tried to talk to him more, get him to open up to me more...anything...something. And then I realize I've done it again...I am playing the dreaded what if, should have/would have/could have game all over again when I could have sworn I'd stopped dragging myself down to that ledge. 
I also realize I am doing it with my surviving children as well. I question everything I am doing, saying, not doing, not saying. Am I helping them learn to help themselves or am I enabling them down a path of self destruction. Am I showing them what it means to be responsible human beings? Am I teaching them how to be accountable for their actions?I worry and have guilt over everything I do and say, every time I take a breath...
There is nothing I wouldn't do for my kids, but yet at the same time like I feel like it's never enough and always too much.
There is no way to describe to everyone how a loss such as the death of your child by suicide can change your entire being. The overwhelming sadness, desolation and depression can take over your life. It is so hard to keep moving, to get off the couch for more then an hour a day, to talk to someone any other human being throughout the day that isn't in your immediate family. And when talking to that other human being to think of a topic that does not completely throw them off and make them start running in the other direction faster then their legs can carry them. I can be such a buzz kill in any social setting, either I am a blubbering mess or I am a warrior riding on the back of the "awareness and education of suicide" horse. There's  rarely if ever any middle ground. And of course this brings on the guilt factor once more. 
Guilt is a never ending, very large part of my existence...each and every day is a new example of how this is true.
I wish you all to be surrounded by light and love...  

Tired...

Six months almost to the day we picked up and moved from the area where Austin passed away. We decided a fresh start would be the best thing we could do for our family. I love the area we moved to; nice, quiet and remote. This is great for me at least emotionally and mentally, but maybe not so much for the kiddies.
My children have struggled with life since that day...and my heart constantly hurts for them. Even though I know what each of them are feeling and the emotions they are going through, what I know is not enough. They started school within days of our move...time to move forward and meet new people, make friends before summer begins.
Easier said then done...
My oldest daughter refused to meet people, claiming everyone in the area are snotty and unable to accept new comers. My middle daughter throws herself into midst of things and immediately knows all the drama. And my baby boy is torn, wants so badly to make friends and be the center of attention of the neighborhood, unfortunately there aren't as many kids in our new remote location to follow him around like they did before we moved.
Each of them are struggling with their grief, trying to figure out who they are and how they now fit in our new family dynamic and our new community. On top of all this, their older brother has moved in with us for the first time in his life, having always lived with his mom. No one knows who they are, let alone how to act or react to what the another person is feeling, saying, let alone the new personality quirks we have developed this last year.
Every moment; disagreements, chores, home work assignments, being responsible for our actions, tends to be the most traumatic events ever. Emotions are worn on their sleeves(as well as my own), reactions are overblown and accountability is pretty much null and void. No one wants to take accountability any more. No one wants to accept responsibility for what they do or don't do. It's never their fault when they've done something wrong and it's almost impossible to talk to them. It's so hard to keep my emotions in check when the kids aren't getting their way every moment of every day. 
I admit that this last year has been difficult to make the kids responsible for their actions. It has been way more easier to give in and let the peace reign, sort to speak. And let me tell you, that was definitely the wrong course. But I honestly didn't realize this has been what I've been doing until recently... as I watch my baby who is 11 throw a full blown toddler temper tantrum because he talked back to me(to which I grounded him for) and didn't get his way 15 minutes later. In the meantime I am also ruining my 12 year old's social life because I have refused to return her cell phone to her after it was confiscated at school for texting in class. Not to mention she is currently not passing some of her classes, so the rule has been set in place that the phone will not be returned until she speaks with each teacher and has a plan in place to bring her grades up. And heaven forbid I tell any one of them that my computer is off limits for any reason. So I've started to say 'yep sorry I am the big bad ogre and you can't do anything at all ever'!!! Hehehe not that this statement goes over very well and can sometimes end with them yelling at me more, slamming their doors or simply saying, "whatever", as if expecting me to give in, in the end. Well I am here to say I will no longer be giving in to their wants. No matter the migraine I may end up with, the doors(privacy) that may disappear, and their social lives be damned "forever". 
The hardest thing for me is that I am still working on my own feelings about my sons death and still have to deal with my kids feelings too...this is so freaking hard. And the healing process definitely feels as though it has been drawn out for me.
I admit I am tired!!!
I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like I have failed. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of the every day arguments/disagreements about everything. I am just plain tired.
I know things will improve and we will once again be the family we strive to be and it will take time, patience and therapy... yes one day things will change for the better...

Headstone is placed

As we were driving north to view the headstone... I'm really not sure how I felt... an overwhelming sense of numbness seemed to have set in. On one hand I want to go to the cemetery by myself and just do what I need to do...but on the other I want to surround myself with people who can share this stuff with me. Be my support team that surrounds me with love and comfort. Unfortunately that love and comfort is always followed with the typical questions of "how are you doing?" "Are you doing Ok"" and "how are you holding up?"  Although these questions are meant to let me know they are there for me and they are genuinely concerned for my well being, but the questions suck because the answers are always the same; what I say out loud is "I'm fine", "I'm doing Ok, thanks", or "I'm getting by, one baby step at a time". All of which are basically true and easier to say then what is screaming through my head... "NO I'M NOT OK...MY SON IS DEAD". How am I supposed to be doing? I really don't know, all I know is that a full year has passed and I am lost. I am in a space I don't know where the walls are, how far they expand or even if the end. But at the same time I feel like I'm at a dead end with no available turns or exits. This existence continues to be my hell.

The headstone is exactly what I wanted it to be, regardless of who does not agree. I found myself needing time alone at the graveside but instead found myself inviting everyone who wanted or needed to be there, to the cemetery at the same time. We had a nice time together talking and releasing the balloons with little messages to let go of this last year. And in some ways I am angry with myself for not taking the moment by myself at the graveside. And in other ways I am glad because I don't think I would have been able to pull myself together to endure the rest of the weekend. I'm not sure where we are going or how we'll get there but this last year is over and done with and therefore some kind of a relief has come over us. It doesn't change the fact that he is gone, it doesn't change the fact we're all still deeply grieving. That no matter how you toss the dice everything is different. There will be no more family gatherings that feel right, no more family dinners with him there. No more family photos that will ever quite look right... 
I don't really like doing any of the things our families still want to do, get together, meals, monthly birthday celebrations, because it's a constant reminder that my family is not whole. They have everyone there, their families are whole and complete and mine is broken with one who will always be missing. Broken in ways I can't just put on a band-aid on it and pretend it will be better. I know in ways things will get "better" over time, but it can never be fixed, Austin will always be missing. Not only is it hard to go to these things it's even harder to hold back what I'm feeling, anger, envy and an overwhelming sadness, and pretend to have a good time and act like I am in anyway enjoying myself (and yes I know I don't always do that I can be a moody ass). Yes I know they lost a nephew, cousin or grandson and it's been hard for them too, but he wasn't their son. He wasn't in their stomach for 9 months, they didn't give birth to my beautiful child and they didn't have to bury one of their children because he/she died by suicide. And thank the Lord they haven't...

First Angelversary

September 27th

When I've thought of this day, I figured I'd stay in bed and sleep it off, like a bad hangover. Good thing is I'm up and moving, had a scheduled therapy appointment with my new therapist and honestly (so far anyway) it was probably the smartest thing I could have done.
I have to say I hate today and love today ironically enough. I hate that he's been gone a full year, that he really won't walk through my front door and yell "Gotcha" today or any day. I hate realizing I won't hear his laughter, his sneezes, his attitude, his saxophone playing in the band, his snorting breath while he tried to breathe while eating, his noisy ass vehicles attempting to run, his snoring, his arguing as he debated every topic under the sun cause he always had to be right no matter what...his,  everything.
This day last year started out as any other day... my issues at work were all consuming, my boss hated my guts and was doing everything in her power to "prove" to all the higher ups that I was crap and had no idea what I was doing... came home to the kids and all their activities and around 7pm the detectives showing up on my door step, a day I'd just prefer to forget...hearing those words, that one word that crushed me and our family....that suicide had once again doused our life force with pain, grief, suffering, anger, overwhelming sadness. That suicide could once again affect me and my family, felt and continues to feel somewhat surreal. I hate that my children have been forced to understand what it feels like to have their brother be gone. I hate that my children have to feel this pain, this depression, this inability to fix what is broken. I hated having to tell my kids Austin would never come home again and why.....
The phone calls having to be made to let the world know that my son was gone, that he was so deep in his depression that he no longer felt he could find his way out. That this world would now be without his amazing life force.
One of the worst nights of my life...

The day is almost over and I am more then grateful that it's finally "done" that we have somehow made it through this day.

May we continue to seek out hope and peace and someday soon learn how to live and not just survive.

Sleeplessness/Regrets

No matter how hard I try the regrets I have come crashing down on me at night while I attempt to fall asleep. Its so freaking daunting and overwhelming. As I've mentioned before I do everything I can not to play the "should have, would have, could have"(shwhch) game, but sometimes at night my 20 ft steal enforced brick walls come crashing down without even thinking of the consequences to my own well being. Just when I think, with relief, that I've made it another day fully in tack, I crash...
Crashing is one of the hardest moments I tend to deal with. It involves the "shwhch" game, the why didn't I do this or do that, conversations that could have been different, wording that should have been used. More hugs, more I love yous. Anything and everything you would take back or change in any way shape or form. Most of the time the result of this crash is a terrifying anxiety/panic attack. Thankfully not many people have witnessed my having those. Thankfully my kids are either sleeping or at school. I hate that the regrets can have so much control of how I'm feeling and my reactions to those feelings.
Everyone tells you and I even tend to tell myself a lot of the time, that the death, whatever the cause, of a loved one is not your fault and that you did everything you could, don't have regrets, you are a great mom... Logically this all makes sense, but emotionally the heart "sees, feels and thinks" differently.
I've started seeing a therapist and I continue to attend an SOS (survivors of suicide) group all of which is helping me make it through each of these moments that suck.

Tomorrow is the day my son died a year ago... Do I have regrets, of course I do, I think I always will. Will I make it through the day? Of course I will, its the only choice I have. Will people see or know how or what tomorrow truly feels like to me? Probably not... why, because no one wants to see that, not even me...

No parent should lose a child. As a society there is no word in the English language that describes this "event". If you lose your spouse you are called a widow, if you are a child and you lose your parents you are called an orphan. There is one word I found through my research that attempts to "name" this: “Vilomah.” is a Sanskrit word meaning “against a natural order". For a parent who loses a child there is only one word in the English language that even remotely describes who/what we are: Devastated.

How are you doing?/How are you feeling?/Whats the matter?

I tend to hate having these questions thrown at me, albeit they come from loving and caring family and friends who are generally concerned and deserve an answer, they suck all the same.
Hmmm, how am I doing? Really.. not that great. How am I feeling? Honestly pretty shitty... How am I supposed to be doing or feeling? How would you feel in my position? What's the matter? My child is dead, gone from this life!!! When a child takes their own life it's horrible. When Austin died a multitude of feelings came crashing down on me. And those emotional waves continue to crash into my life with every blink of my eyes, every breath I take and every baby step I attempt to make each and every day. How I feel is incomprehensible to most... For the most part I feel inadequate, like I've failed miserably as a parent. The one most important thing we teach our children from the day they are born is that our love is unconditional. I feel like I've failed to do that.
Children deserve our unconditional love no matter what they do or how they live their lives. We don't have to like what they do, the choices they make, the mistakes they make... yes we can be disappointed but that doesn't mean we'll love them any less. And I believe somewhere in that equation I messed up with Austin. He made good and bad decisions in his life, but hey, so do I, so who am I to judge??? I am just a human being too and each choice we make in our day to day lives is a life lesson to learn and grow from.
In the big scheme of things does any of the bad choices our children make ever truly matter? NO, they are our children, we love them regardless of what they do, because no one can love a child more then their parent. At least that is how I feel about my children. I thought I had done everything possible to prove that to my kiddies, to be a better parent to my kids then my parents were to me. Yet as I look at the completed headstone about to be placed on my sons grave, I question my very being and ability to do that.

When it truly comes down to asking those questions, you have to ask yourself; do you want to know the truth or do you want me to lie and tell you what you want to hear...
Sometimes the truth is ugly at that moment, and sometimes the truth is what we survivors are willing to tell you at that moment.
Sadly sometimes the true thoughts/feelings come spewing forth like I'm a possessed person vomiting the green split pea soup of the movies. This has a tendency to freak people out and make them worry. When I say I don't feel like moving forward or moving on its because there is a blackness within my heart that is so deep no light can penetrate it. No child should die before their parent. Not once in the last 30 years have I considered, thought of or attempted to self harm in any way shape or form. I've survived the suicidal death of my brother and lived through the destruction of my family as a child. And now as an adult and parent of a suicide victim I am surviving again and watching my own family, my children, going through hell. It sucked the first time, and you can bet it sucks even more the second time and I would never subject my family to a third. Once was enough, twice was overkill(sorry for the pun).
The "ability" or "choice" to truthfully voice/respond to these questions is a risky business indeed. I'm petty sure if we had health insurance l'd have been institutionalized by now...
But this is my life right now and onward I will keep going...

Anxiety/Panic

Definitions: 
Anxiety: the distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
Panic Attack: an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.

Some times the definitions listed above is my life. The smallest, weirdest things can set me off for no apparent reason. It can be a song on the radio, a word or behavior or reaction from my kids, an item of clothing, a picture (one of the worst) and more often then not a call from my mother.

I hate how these "things" make me feel. I am completely out of control and I hate that, I hate "who" I become... I feel sick to my stomach, tears can over flow, shakiness, OMG, I hate it...
Why did this have to accompany everything else I'm dealing with. Isn't the grief we're going through enough, not only do I have to control how I'm dealing but I also have to work through how the kids are dealing and sometimes those brick walls are a nightmare. If you think you can butt heads with your kids try butting heads with your kids when you are both grieving monsters. It's awful, horrifying and just plain disgusting to say the least. Half the time I have to wonder if there is anyway we will ever be able to communicate like normal people. Nine times out of ten it's one or both parties yelling like we're in separate rooms with a radio on and on top of that the tone of voice one or both parties use is degrading and sometime just flat out rude.

I finally have everything done on the headstone, talked to the monument company and it will be placed in the cemetery on the anniversary of Austin's passing and I am truly happy with how it will look. However, because I am happy there is a guarantee my mother isn't. She has been my worst support system when I've needed her to the best. I figured when the smoke blew over she could be someone I could lean on, a shoulder I could dry on. Instead its been the exact opposite.

From the day Austin died I've had to be the grown up. Yeah I get that she feels like she's re-living my brothers death but how is that my problem. I had to ask her to leave the house when she showed up that night in an effort to protect my children, she was out of control and I couldn't subject my children to that as they hadn't even been told the true cause of his passing at that point. She has been upset with me for many things and is pissed that she can't help me cause shes been in my shoes. Really!!! My step dad was disappointed in me for not going to the hospital the day after to tell my mom in person that we had decided to have Austin cremated. He actually told me he was disappointed in me for not being strong enough to tell her in person. Holy crap I had just left the mortuary where they told me my son was not viewable for an open casket, which I had already assumed. Yet I wasn't strong enough to tell my mother in person myself.  a day or two later she asks me why I didn't get a lock of his hair for her... really!!! Then she has the gall to ask if she can go over to where he died to "clean up".  Have I not just dealt with enough that she has to ask about this crap!!! I know she has issues, I know she never received proper therapy for my brothers passing. Now to top it all off she hates the picture I am having placed on the headstone and at one point went as far as to hang up on me for not including her in my decision making. 
This is my situation, my pain, my grief... Why should I have to include her in anything. I am sorry she feels guilty, I'm sorry she felt it necessary to promise Austin not to tell me about his court charges/fees.
I am doing everything I can just to breath each day, to help my children learn the coping skills they are and will continue to be in need of.. There is nothing I can do to make my mom feel better. Her problem with the picture is, she feels it's a goofy, playful look and you can't see his handsomeness and other people aren't going to get it, so I told her it doesn't matter what other people think, all that matters is how I feel. His personality was one of his best features and anyone who knew him knows that.
As I've said the year mark is approaching and each minute, each hour, each day is a bi-polar moment of uncertainty.
I love and miss you kiddo...

 
Austin ~ 11/11/92 ~ 9/27/11
Lost from this life but not forgotten...

Survival???

Suicide sucks....really there is no other way to describe this feeling of numbness...

On one hand I am eternally grateful that the majority of our society has no idea what it's like to be a "Survivor of Suicide" and yet I want to scream at the world to make them understand and truly know what this feels like. And sadly that makes me feel a little guilty, knowing that every 15 minutes someone dies by suicide and another mom is learning how to live without their child another sibling learning what it's like to go without their childhood confidant...
Loosing a loved one to early, for any reason, is the worst imaginable place to find yourself in. I will never discredit any type of loss for anyone, because in essence it all sucks. But to loose someone by suicide, in my opinion, has got to be worse then anything else. I can't blame it on an accident, I can't blame it on terminal illness nor can I blame my son, as I've mentioned before.
Only the strong survive, those who can fight the fight each and every day, at least this is what I tell myself. I wake up with the pain each and every morning, the breath I have to remind myself to take each morning can be difficult and some days I wish I didn't have to take. I live life in baby steps and can ask no more from myself, and I pray every day that I can continue to do that. I often wonder if I have what it takes to stand up and fight this fight, and really to do more then just survive each day. 
I think and feel most days that "Yes I Can Do This". I can take that first inhale of breath each morning, put one foot in front of the other as I get out of bed and go through my morning routine and come out of my bedroom.. Sometimes that's about as far as I get... From that point forward, each day is a painful struggle. On some occasions I can put on the "mom hat" and make sure the laundry is done (rarely folded but done), do the dishes, vacuum, sweep, mop, and show/tell my children how much they mean to me and that without them life isn't worth living. On some occasions I can put on that "wife hat" and remind my husband what a true blessing he is in my life and how I couldn't go on without him. However more often then not I can't, it's not that I don't want to, it's just so hard to actually follow through. The pain within my heart, deep in my gut, is all consuming. 
No I don't cook dinner each night, yes I sometimes forget to put the laundry into the dryer and have to rewash it, sometimes more then once. I am quick to run through the amount of patience I have each day and have to rely on others to help my kids do their homework, and will always be grateful to my older children who can actually help the younger kids in the areas I can not. However I do become extremely irritated, aggravated and all out disgruntled with the fact that people tend to point out those faults, especially on a social network. That's when I wish they truly understood what it means to be in my shoes. Don't publicly complain about my misgivings until you've lost a child. Until you know what this feels like, and can honestly understand how debilitating survival as a parent actually is!!!

In many ways this has opened my eyes to see things from my mothers point of view and what she went through almost 30 years ago. It has made some things much more understandable, and yet some things remain unforgivable. 
Sometimes I feel like the karma bus/universe/whatever is still stuck on my front lawn. I feel like everything we went through last year was enough, that we don't need any lessons right now on how tough life can be. Yet I feel like that karma bus continues to hit me upside the head with a two by four. After Austin died I knew right away that my children and I needed to seek out counseling, which is something I never had being in their shoes. I found and we all attended the Center for Grieving Children with my family. There they taught many lessons on anger, sadness and to find ways to express ourselves through our grief.
I love my children and want whats best for them. So in dealing with this emotional turmoil, my husband and I decided we needed a fresh start. Some way to find ourselves again!We found a business to purchase and decided to go for it!!! We moved 5 hours away from everything and everyone we knew. Found a cute new home and so far are working at making it our own. We've lived here a few short 6 months and already are having home owners angst...lol
The reason for the latest "laundry left in the washer" was due to the fact that our sewer drain pipes backed up into the house. Ruining our carpet padding to the point we've had to rip several square feet of it out, call in a plumber only to find out the drain pipe itself has sunk further underground then it's meant to and that our yard, sidewalk and about 4 ft of asphalt needs to be ripped up to get the pipe lifted in order to avoid this problem occurring again... And as it turns out the city passed an ordinance around the time we purchased the house making all home owners responsible for all repairs for the line from the house to the city's main line. Apparently they have had to pay for to many repairs for other homeowners and had become a financial burden for them. Ugh really!!! We're still unsure if any of our homeowners insurance(s) will cover the repairs and it may have to paid all out of pocket...sigh. I have no idea how we'll manage that financial burden, especially since I have been unemployed since our move. On top of the fact that I just had to replace the transfer case/drive line in my car... Yes we own our own business and are doing what we can to get that up and running, but in the meantime we need the additional income from an outside source not to mention health insurance. We need to continue with some sort of therapy in order to do more then survive and learn how to live again. There are no centers for grieving children in the area we live now, no youth support groups to help them continue to understand the path they've been dumped into... I have gone to our church and they are helping with therapy now and that will begin in a week or two for the kids but I can't and wont be able to rely on that help forever let alone for any major amount of time.
I know that things continue to suck a little less each and every day, and I am working on not letting my sons suicide define me and hold me back from living. And each and every other day I continue to worry about my kids. How will they learn to move past this and live. My children are so different then how "they used to be." They are angry, sad, have feelings of uselessness and my youngest constantly feels as though he needs to "fix" things that he can't and it breaks my heart. 
Logically I know the pain will lessen, that life goes forward. That the grief and guilt we all feel will one day not feel so debilitating. But until then we just survive...

Out of the Darkness ~ Community Walk

National Suicide Prevention/Awareness

This week is the National Suicide Awareness/Prevention Week. One of the major reasons to support this, is to educate yourself and those around you to watch for signs/symptoms/possible reason(s) why someone in your life may consider suicide as an option to rid themselves of the pain they may be in.

As I mentioned before we are approaching the 1 year “anniversary” of the death of my son, Austin. It has been a long 11.5 months and not to mention the horrifying 6 months leading up to his passing. No one ever knows or has all the answers as to the reason(s) someone “decides” to take their own life. There are no answers to the many questions and whys we ask ourselves. But as I look back and attempt to put myself in my son’s shoes, I can pretend I know why. Sometimes that’s enough, sometimes it isn’t.

In February 2011 we received some disturbing news from our dentist at a routine cleaning. The best he could tell us was that there was a large “spot” appearing on/in/around the left side of Austin’s jaw. He referred us to an oral surgeon. Just the idea of this was frightening as we had no idea what to expect. Austin had played the saxophone for 6 years and it was for last of a better word or phrase, his life. Within a few weeks we had our appointment with the specialist. He conducted a CT scan of Austin’s jaw and was able to tell us that the jaw bone had in fact disintegrated. One eighth to almost one forth of Austin’s jaw was gone, the only thing holding onto his teeth were his gums which had in effect “swollen” to take the place of the bone in order to keep his teeth in place.  We then scheduled a biopsy for the end of May. We ended up having to wait until the later date in order for Austin to be able to perform/compete in the state band competition. I mean it was his senior year it was the least we could do as we were unsure what the effect the biopsy was going to have on his ability to play.  On top of this he was having some problems with his girlfriend and in order to preserve all our sanity to a point he ended the relationship. Austin was finally able to get his truck up and running as well as registered, only to have it break down a few short weeks later, something to do with the back axel. He then made a deal with his grandmother for another vehicle, he had that one for about 6 months before the engine blew(no oil). In within 10 weeks he had two vehicles crap out on him. Yes he had a job but little to no hours to earn a viable paycheck to help get either car up and on their “feet” again. Then last August our 19 year old cat fell and was no longer able to care for herself. Austin was beside himself, he loved that kitty. He argued with me for days on whether or not we should have her put down and he was very angry with me for even suggesting it. In an effort to have him understand the importance of preserving Likie’s life force and not having her live in pain I had him take her to the vet. Where sadly the vet agreed she should be put to sleep. Austin was there with just his younger sister to stand by his side to do this. It broke his heart as it did with the rest of his siblings. It’s never easy to loose a pet let alone one we’d had so long. And a month later Austin was gone from the world.

Many other things were going on as well, some I knew some I was completely in the dark about. He had gotten a speeding ticket and we made him pay the ticket and take care of it himself. We did everything we could to help insure he would gain the life experiences and ability to become a confident, contributing young adult. I always did what I could to ensure he had what he needed, when he’d tell me he needed it. Apparently he always wanted some things that didn’t fit into our budget, extra’s I never thought was a need. Austin had a fascination with knives. He had more pocket knives then any one person would ever use in a lifetime. He loved them to the point he was caught shop lifting sometime in July of 2011. He never said anything to me about this, he went to court on his own, dealt with the consequences of his actions and had even more “bills” he couldn’t afford to pay.

I found out about these court fines and fees the day after his death by the detective working on his case and later found out my mom knew but had promised him she would tell me. He was so afraid of being a disappointment to me. So afraid I would be disappointed in him. I sometimes feel like I failed in my ability to parent and teach him my love was unconditional. Yes, I would have been disappointed he had stolen something, but that wouldn’t have made me love him any less. On top of all this, the night before he died I had talked to him about learning to grow his credit by applying to get his own cell phone line, I told him I’d pay the bill provided he did a little more around the house to earn it. However I don’t think he heard that part of the conversation, I think all he heard was, he needed more money, he was being asked to take on even more responsibility. My heart aches, and yes I have enormous guilt, thinking had I just kept my mouth shut he’d still be here somehow. I miss him so much it physically hurts me inside and out.

Everyone says the pain will lessen and time goes on and logically I think I believe that but right now it’s an all consuming pain and even typing this almost has me in hysterical tears. I’d do anything to take it back, to have my son by my side as a living breathing person, I’d give up my life for his. I honestly have no idea where I’m going any more, what I want out of life. So I just make sure that each day I breathe, I get out of bed, I do some laundry and most nights I cook dinner. Believe me when I say that half the time I don’t want to: but then I look at my other children I am reminded why I’m still here.  They are the oxygen to my lungs, the smile to my frown. And the other half of me knows why I’m here…for them.

It’s amazing to me how “loudly” the logical side of me is in constant “disagreement” with the emotional side of my being. And for the most part the logical side of me wins out, and for that I thank the lord daily.

The Past to today...

In less then 3 weeks we will hit a new milestone for our family... the one year anniversary of Austin's death. It's completely unimaginable how much life can change in just one short year. To sum it up: Suicide Sucks! It changes everyone left behind so dramatically.
Before I go any further I'll add a little more background info:

Around the time Austin was 3 ½ I started dated my now husband. He was so good to and with Austin. Our first official date was a play date at the park with our children. I knew right away that this was the person I’d spend the rest of my life with. He brought so much to our little family of two. Austin loved the thought of having a brother and sister to play with even if only part time.

We were married a year later and soon welcomed our first daughter, Marinda, to the family 10 months after that. Being 5 years old Austin was so ready to be a full time big brother. He loved Minda with all of his heart. Always wanting to hold her and give her kisses.

Being a big brother was everything to him but confusing as well, he wasn’t an only child anymore. Not only did he need to learn to share my affections with Phil, he now had to share them with Minda. As he was slowly learning to come to terms with all the changes in his short little life we found out we were having another baby.  Danica graced our family just a short 19 months after Marinda was born. Now Austin had two little sisters and was frustrated at not having a brother so 20 months later we fulfilled his desires and brought home a beautiful little brother for him.
On top of all the new siblings we moved to a new home. Moving isn't always the easiest thing in the world for anyone, especially kids. And we ended up moving several more times, each in the hope of being able to provide better and more for our kids.
Each change, whether it be a new baby or another more was hard on Austin and by the time we bought our first home Austin had some behaviors that were difficult to manage let alone understand. I finally admitted to needing help to help him. We took him to the doctor described his "symptoms" to which the diagnosis of ADHD was given. He was placed on a medication at age 13 and things seems to be going well for a while. I should have paid more attention, I should have opened my eyes a little better, not that playing the should have, would have, could have's game ever helped then any more then they will now.
At 14 Austin had a difficult run in with one of his sisters, it was then that I thought he needed more one on one attention. Someone that could give him a little more then I could. So I arranged for him to temporarily move in with someone he really barely knew, had pout on a pedestal as the fun guy he vacationed with.

It wasn’t supposed to be a long time move just one where he could gain some footing to help him figure out who he was and where he was going in life sort to speak.

I can again go into the: should have, would have, could have game again but again what good does it do me now. Yes I should have listened and brought him home when he was ready, Yes I should have heard the desperation in his voice when he said he needed to leave there. Instead I thought then that maybe therapy would help. I convinced them to attend therapy to help him and their relationship. Yeah that didn’t work and by the time he was a junior in high school I was pulling him out of there and moving him back home in the middle of his school year. He blamed his dad for that move until the day he died. But I just couldn’t listen to the sadness I heard in Austin nor the constant crap I had heard from his dad and step mom anymore. I know they did the best they could under the circumstances. But they had never had kids of their own and had no idea what they were getting themselves into when they agreed to take on a teenager, who was in fact a very emotionally fragile young man.

Austin is not the first person to commit suicide within our family nor in his fathers family.

Depression and other mental illnesses are very prominent on both sides leading to the very fragile, delicate blend to his DNA. Again I should have known better, and tried to do more, be more and understand more.

Unfortunately genetics, emotions, nor parenting come with a hand book and no amount of training can really give you all the tools you need to know on how to help someone who suffers from a mental illness.

Everyone I know has told me I am not to blame for his death and the logical side of me knows this. He is not truly to blame for his death either. People who suffer from a mental illness don’t see the logic that say you and I do, all they see is that death is the natural course to end the pain. To rid themselves of the anguish, sadness, anger, feelings of self loathing, not wanting to be a disappointment to others is all they are focused on. They don’t realize the mess they are leaving behind, the family and friends they are leaving in pain all they want is to get rid of their own suffering. It’s a logical next step in the logic of their thinking in that one moment of total despair. 

I read a quote the other day on the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors Facebook page that kind of helps put some things into perspective:

 “Granted that they left behind a wake of pain and disruption, they did not want this effect. Their mind was so distorted and engulfed in pain that they thought that they were doing the right thing. They had no idea of the destruction that they were leaving behind". -- Fr. Charles Rubey

And its true our family is different, my children have all changed, none of them are the same. I knew they wouldn't be, just as my sisters and I were permanently changed the day our brother died so are my children...
http://www.allianceofhope.org/ ~ this is a great resource for survivors, if you're a survivor and need to seek out others who understand you, please visit this site or their FB page.

World Suicide Prevention day is Monday Sept. 10, 2012:

Suicide is preventable: Seek help or help someone else. Educate yourself and those around you.
The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention is also hosting/sponsoring (whatever you want to call it) an Out of the Darkness Walk:
 http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.home Please join a community near you!