Before I go any further I'll add a little more background info:
Around the time Austin was 3 ½ I started dated my now husband.
He was so good to and with Austin. Our first official date was a play date at
the park with our children. I knew right away that this was the person I’d
spend the rest of my life with. He brought so much to our little family of two.
Austin loved the thought of having a brother and sister to play with even if
only part time.
We were married a year later and soon welcomed our first
daughter, Marinda, to the family 10 months after that. Being 5 years old Austin
was so ready to be a full time big brother. He loved Minda with all of his
heart. Always wanting to hold her and give her kisses.
Being a big brother was everything to him but confusing
as well, he wasn’t an only child anymore. Not only did he need to learn to
share my affections with Phil, he now had to share them with Minda. As he
was slowly learning to come to terms with all the changes in his short little life we
found out we were having another baby.
Danica graced our family just a short 19 months after Marinda was born.
Now Austin had two little sisters and was frustrated at not having a brother so
20 months later we fulfilled his desires and brought home a beautiful little
brother for him.
On top of all the new siblings we moved to a new home. Moving isn't always the easiest thing in the world for anyone, especially kids. And we ended up moving several more times, each in the hope of being able to provide better and more for our kids.
Each change, whether it be a new baby or another more was hard on Austin and by the time we bought our first home Austin had some behaviors that were difficult to manage let alone understand. I finally admitted to needing help to help him. We took him to the doctor described his "symptoms" to which the diagnosis of ADHD was given. He was placed on a medication at age 13 and things seems to be going well for a while. I should have paid more attention, I should have opened my eyes a little better, not that playing the should have, would have, could have's game ever helped then any more then they will now.
At 14 Austin had a difficult run in with one of his sisters, it was then that I thought he needed more one on one attention. Someone that could give him a little more then I could. So I arranged for him to temporarily move in with someone he really barely knew, had pout on a pedestal as the fun guy he vacationed with.
On top of all the new siblings we moved to a new home. Moving isn't always the easiest thing in the world for anyone, especially kids. And we ended up moving several more times, each in the hope of being able to provide better and more for our kids.
Each change, whether it be a new baby or another more was hard on Austin and by the time we bought our first home Austin had some behaviors that were difficult to manage let alone understand. I finally admitted to needing help to help him. We took him to the doctor described his "symptoms" to which the diagnosis of ADHD was given. He was placed on a medication at age 13 and things seems to be going well for a while. I should have paid more attention, I should have opened my eyes a little better, not that playing the should have, would have, could have's game ever helped then any more then they will now.
At 14 Austin had a difficult run in with one of his sisters, it was then that I thought he needed more one on one attention. Someone that could give him a little more then I could. So I arranged for him to temporarily move in with someone he really barely knew, had pout on a pedestal as the fun guy he vacationed with.
It wasn’t supposed to be a long time move just one where
he could gain some footing to help him figure out who he was and where he was going
in life sort to speak.
I can again go into the: should have, would have, could
have game again but again what good does it do me now. Yes I should have
listened and brought him home when he was ready, Yes I should have heard the desperation
in his voice when he said he needed to leave there. Instead I thought then that
maybe therapy would help. I convinced them to attend therapy to help him and
their relationship. Yeah that didn’t work and by the time he was a junior in
high school I was pulling him out of there and moving him back home in the
middle of his school year. He blamed his dad for that move until the day he
died. But I just couldn’t listen to the sadness I heard in Austin nor the
constant crap I had heard from his dad and step mom anymore. I know they did
the best they could under the circumstances. But they had never had kids of
their own and had no idea what they were getting themselves into when they
agreed to take on a teenager, who was in fact a very emotionally fragile young
man.
Austin is not the first person to commit suicide within
our family nor in his fathers family.
Depression and other mental illnesses are very prominent on
both sides leading to the very fragile, delicate blend to his DNA. Again I
should have known better, and tried to do more, be more and understand more.
Unfortunately genetics, emotions, nor parenting come with
a hand book and no amount of training can really give you all the tools you
need to know on how to help someone who suffers from a mental illness.
Everyone I know has told me I am not to blame for his
death and the logical side of me knows this. He is not truly to blame for his
death either. People who suffer from a mental illness don’t see the logic that
say you and I do, all they see is that death is the natural course to end the
pain. To rid themselves of the anguish, sadness, anger, feelings of self
loathing, not wanting to be a disappointment to others is all they are focused
on. They don’t realize the mess they are leaving behind, the family and friends
they are leaving in pain all they want is to get rid of their own suffering. It’s
a logical next step in the logic of their thinking in that one moment of total despair.
I read a quote the other day on the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors Facebook page that kind of helps put some things into perspective:
“Granted that they left behind a wake of pain
and disruption, they did not want this effect. Their mind was so
distorted and engulfed in pain that they thought that they were doing
the right thing. They had no idea of the destruction that they were
leaving behind". -- Fr. Charles Rubey
And its true our family is different, my children have all changed, none of them are the same. I knew they wouldn't be, just as my sisters and I were permanently changed the day our brother died so are my children...
http://www.allianceofhope.org/ ~ this is a great resource for survivors, if you're a survivor and need to seek out others who understand you, please visit this site or their FB page.
World Suicide Prevention day is Monday Sept. 10, 2012:
Suicide is preventable: Seek help or help someone else. Educate yourself and those around you.
The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention is also hosting/sponsoring (whatever you want to call it) an Out of the Darkness Walk:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.home Please join a community near you!
http://www.allianceofhope.org/ ~ this is a great resource for survivors, if you're a survivor and need to seek out others who understand you, please visit this site or their FB page.
World Suicide Prevention day is Monday Sept. 10, 2012:
Suicide is preventable: Seek help or help someone else. Educate yourself and those around you.
The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention is also hosting/sponsoring (whatever you want to call it) an Out of the Darkness Walk:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.home Please join a community near you!
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