Survival???

Suicide sucks....really there is no other way to describe this feeling of numbness...

On one hand I am eternally grateful that the majority of our society has no idea what it's like to be a "Survivor of Suicide" and yet I want to scream at the world to make them understand and truly know what this feels like. And sadly that makes me feel a little guilty, knowing that every 15 minutes someone dies by suicide and another mom is learning how to live without their child another sibling learning what it's like to go without their childhood confidant...
Loosing a loved one to early, for any reason, is the worst imaginable place to find yourself in. I will never discredit any type of loss for anyone, because in essence it all sucks. But to loose someone by suicide, in my opinion, has got to be worse then anything else. I can't blame it on an accident, I can't blame it on terminal illness nor can I blame my son, as I've mentioned before.
Only the strong survive, those who can fight the fight each and every day, at least this is what I tell myself. I wake up with the pain each and every morning, the breath I have to remind myself to take each morning can be difficult and some days I wish I didn't have to take. I live life in baby steps and can ask no more from myself, and I pray every day that I can continue to do that. I often wonder if I have what it takes to stand up and fight this fight, and really to do more then just survive each day. 
I think and feel most days that "Yes I Can Do This". I can take that first inhale of breath each morning, put one foot in front of the other as I get out of bed and go through my morning routine and come out of my bedroom.. Sometimes that's about as far as I get... From that point forward, each day is a painful struggle. On some occasions I can put on the "mom hat" and make sure the laundry is done (rarely folded but done), do the dishes, vacuum, sweep, mop, and show/tell my children how much they mean to me and that without them life isn't worth living. On some occasions I can put on that "wife hat" and remind my husband what a true blessing he is in my life and how I couldn't go on without him. However more often then not I can't, it's not that I don't want to, it's just so hard to actually follow through. The pain within my heart, deep in my gut, is all consuming. 
No I don't cook dinner each night, yes I sometimes forget to put the laundry into the dryer and have to rewash it, sometimes more then once. I am quick to run through the amount of patience I have each day and have to rely on others to help my kids do their homework, and will always be grateful to my older children who can actually help the younger kids in the areas I can not. However I do become extremely irritated, aggravated and all out disgruntled with the fact that people tend to point out those faults, especially on a social network. That's when I wish they truly understood what it means to be in my shoes. Don't publicly complain about my misgivings until you've lost a child. Until you know what this feels like, and can honestly understand how debilitating survival as a parent actually is!!!

In many ways this has opened my eyes to see things from my mothers point of view and what she went through almost 30 years ago. It has made some things much more understandable, and yet some things remain unforgivable. 
Sometimes I feel like the karma bus/universe/whatever is still stuck on my front lawn. I feel like everything we went through last year was enough, that we don't need any lessons right now on how tough life can be. Yet I feel like that karma bus continues to hit me upside the head with a two by four. After Austin died I knew right away that my children and I needed to seek out counseling, which is something I never had being in their shoes. I found and we all attended the Center for Grieving Children with my family. There they taught many lessons on anger, sadness and to find ways to express ourselves through our grief.
I love my children and want whats best for them. So in dealing with this emotional turmoil, my husband and I decided we needed a fresh start. Some way to find ourselves again!We found a business to purchase and decided to go for it!!! We moved 5 hours away from everything and everyone we knew. Found a cute new home and so far are working at making it our own. We've lived here a few short 6 months and already are having home owners angst...lol
The reason for the latest "laundry left in the washer" was due to the fact that our sewer drain pipes backed up into the house. Ruining our carpet padding to the point we've had to rip several square feet of it out, call in a plumber only to find out the drain pipe itself has sunk further underground then it's meant to and that our yard, sidewalk and about 4 ft of asphalt needs to be ripped up to get the pipe lifted in order to avoid this problem occurring again... And as it turns out the city passed an ordinance around the time we purchased the house making all home owners responsible for all repairs for the line from the house to the city's main line. Apparently they have had to pay for to many repairs for other homeowners and had become a financial burden for them. Ugh really!!! We're still unsure if any of our homeowners insurance(s) will cover the repairs and it may have to paid all out of pocket...sigh. I have no idea how we'll manage that financial burden, especially since I have been unemployed since our move. On top of the fact that I just had to replace the transfer case/drive line in my car... Yes we own our own business and are doing what we can to get that up and running, but in the meantime we need the additional income from an outside source not to mention health insurance. We need to continue with some sort of therapy in order to do more then survive and learn how to live again. There are no centers for grieving children in the area we live now, no youth support groups to help them continue to understand the path they've been dumped into... I have gone to our church and they are helping with therapy now and that will begin in a week or two for the kids but I can't and wont be able to rely on that help forever let alone for any major amount of time.
I know that things continue to suck a little less each and every day, and I am working on not letting my sons suicide define me and hold me back from living. And each and every other day I continue to worry about my kids. How will they learn to move past this and live. My children are so different then how "they used to be." They are angry, sad, have feelings of uselessness and my youngest constantly feels as though he needs to "fix" things that he can't and it breaks my heart. 
Logically I know the pain will lessen, that life goes forward. That the grief and guilt we all feel will one day not feel so debilitating. But until then we just survive...