Guilt...

Guilt is the most common emotion felt after the death of a child, no matter the circumstances surrounding their passing...
I've read a few self help books, books on grief and grieving and have discovered that as much as I'd like to think I am done with certain aspects of the grieving process, only to find myself back on the same boat just a different day. It's like the boat just keeps going in these wide circles and then finds a whirlpool and gets stuck in a spiral type of spin. AND IT SUCKS!!!
Just when I feel like I'm secure in my "no more guilt" about his suicide, I find myself completely slammed, on the side of my head, with a two by four once again. I think back to all the "things" Austin was going through. All the crap that slammed into him in a 6 month time span and wonder if I could have helped change, alter or fix anything he was enduring. What could I have done differently, said differently. Could I have shown him more love, more understanding, tried to talk to him more, get him to open up to me more...anything...something. And then I realize I've done it again...I am playing the dreaded what if, should have/would have/could have game all over again when I could have sworn I'd stopped dragging myself down to that ledge. 
I also realize I am doing it with my surviving children as well. I question everything I am doing, saying, not doing, not saying. Am I helping them learn to help themselves or am I enabling them down a path of self destruction. Am I showing them what it means to be responsible human beings? Am I teaching them how to be accountable for their actions?I worry and have guilt over everything I do and say, every time I take a breath...
There is nothing I wouldn't do for my kids, but yet at the same time like I feel like it's never enough and always too much.
There is no way to describe to everyone how a loss such as the death of your child by suicide can change your entire being. The overwhelming sadness, desolation and depression can take over your life. It is so hard to keep moving, to get off the couch for more then an hour a day, to talk to someone any other human being throughout the day that isn't in your immediate family. And when talking to that other human being to think of a topic that does not completely throw them off and make them start running in the other direction faster then their legs can carry them. I can be such a buzz kill in any social setting, either I am a blubbering mess or I am a warrior riding on the back of the "awareness and education of suicide" horse. There's  rarely if ever any middle ground. And of course this brings on the guilt factor once more. 
Guilt is a never ending, very large part of my existence...each and every day is a new example of how this is true.
I wish you all to be surrounded by light and love...