First Angelversary

September 27th

When I've thought of this day, I figured I'd stay in bed and sleep it off, like a bad hangover. Good thing is I'm up and moving, had a scheduled therapy appointment with my new therapist and honestly (so far anyway) it was probably the smartest thing I could have done.
I have to say I hate today and love today ironically enough. I hate that he's been gone a full year, that he really won't walk through my front door and yell "Gotcha" today or any day. I hate realizing I won't hear his laughter, his sneezes, his attitude, his saxophone playing in the band, his snorting breath while he tried to breathe while eating, his noisy ass vehicles attempting to run, his snoring, his arguing as he debated every topic under the sun cause he always had to be right no matter what...his,  everything.
This day last year started out as any other day... my issues at work were all consuming, my boss hated my guts and was doing everything in her power to "prove" to all the higher ups that I was crap and had no idea what I was doing... came home to the kids and all their activities and around 7pm the detectives showing up on my door step, a day I'd just prefer to forget...hearing those words, that one word that crushed me and our family....that suicide had once again doused our life force with pain, grief, suffering, anger, overwhelming sadness. That suicide could once again affect me and my family, felt and continues to feel somewhat surreal. I hate that my children have been forced to understand what it feels like to have their brother be gone. I hate that my children have to feel this pain, this depression, this inability to fix what is broken. I hated having to tell my kids Austin would never come home again and why.....
The phone calls having to be made to let the world know that my son was gone, that he was so deep in his depression that he no longer felt he could find his way out. That this world would now be without his amazing life force.
One of the worst nights of my life...

The day is almost over and I am more then grateful that it's finally "done" that we have somehow made it through this day.

May we continue to seek out hope and peace and someday soon learn how to live and not just survive.

Sleeplessness/Regrets

No matter how hard I try the regrets I have come crashing down on me at night while I attempt to fall asleep. Its so freaking daunting and overwhelming. As I've mentioned before I do everything I can not to play the "should have, would have, could have"(shwhch) game, but sometimes at night my 20 ft steal enforced brick walls come crashing down without even thinking of the consequences to my own well being. Just when I think, with relief, that I've made it another day fully in tack, I crash...
Crashing is one of the hardest moments I tend to deal with. It involves the "shwhch" game, the why didn't I do this or do that, conversations that could have been different, wording that should have been used. More hugs, more I love yous. Anything and everything you would take back or change in any way shape or form. Most of the time the result of this crash is a terrifying anxiety/panic attack. Thankfully not many people have witnessed my having those. Thankfully my kids are either sleeping or at school. I hate that the regrets can have so much control of how I'm feeling and my reactions to those feelings.
Everyone tells you and I even tend to tell myself a lot of the time, that the death, whatever the cause, of a loved one is not your fault and that you did everything you could, don't have regrets, you are a great mom... Logically this all makes sense, but emotionally the heart "sees, feels and thinks" differently.
I've started seeing a therapist and I continue to attend an SOS (survivors of suicide) group all of which is helping me make it through each of these moments that suck.

Tomorrow is the day my son died a year ago... Do I have regrets, of course I do, I think I always will. Will I make it through the day? Of course I will, its the only choice I have. Will people see or know how or what tomorrow truly feels like to me? Probably not... why, because no one wants to see that, not even me...

No parent should lose a child. As a society there is no word in the English language that describes this "event". If you lose your spouse you are called a widow, if you are a child and you lose your parents you are called an orphan. There is one word I found through my research that attempts to "name" this: “Vilomah.” is a Sanskrit word meaning “against a natural order". For a parent who loses a child there is only one word in the English language that even remotely describes who/what we are: Devastated.

How are you doing?/How are you feeling?/Whats the matter?

I tend to hate having these questions thrown at me, albeit they come from loving and caring family and friends who are generally concerned and deserve an answer, they suck all the same.
Hmmm, how am I doing? Really.. not that great. How am I feeling? Honestly pretty shitty... How am I supposed to be doing or feeling? How would you feel in my position? What's the matter? My child is dead, gone from this life!!! When a child takes their own life it's horrible. When Austin died a multitude of feelings came crashing down on me. And those emotional waves continue to crash into my life with every blink of my eyes, every breath I take and every baby step I attempt to make each and every day. How I feel is incomprehensible to most... For the most part I feel inadequate, like I've failed miserably as a parent. The one most important thing we teach our children from the day they are born is that our love is unconditional. I feel like I've failed to do that.
Children deserve our unconditional love no matter what they do or how they live their lives. We don't have to like what they do, the choices they make, the mistakes they make... yes we can be disappointed but that doesn't mean we'll love them any less. And I believe somewhere in that equation I messed up with Austin. He made good and bad decisions in his life, but hey, so do I, so who am I to judge??? I am just a human being too and each choice we make in our day to day lives is a life lesson to learn and grow from.
In the big scheme of things does any of the bad choices our children make ever truly matter? NO, they are our children, we love them regardless of what they do, because no one can love a child more then their parent. At least that is how I feel about my children. I thought I had done everything possible to prove that to my kiddies, to be a better parent to my kids then my parents were to me. Yet as I look at the completed headstone about to be placed on my sons grave, I question my very being and ability to do that.

When it truly comes down to asking those questions, you have to ask yourself; do you want to know the truth or do you want me to lie and tell you what you want to hear...
Sometimes the truth is ugly at that moment, and sometimes the truth is what we survivors are willing to tell you at that moment.
Sadly sometimes the true thoughts/feelings come spewing forth like I'm a possessed person vomiting the green split pea soup of the movies. This has a tendency to freak people out and make them worry. When I say I don't feel like moving forward or moving on its because there is a blackness within my heart that is so deep no light can penetrate it. No child should die before their parent. Not once in the last 30 years have I considered, thought of or attempted to self harm in any way shape or form. I've survived the suicidal death of my brother and lived through the destruction of my family as a child. And now as an adult and parent of a suicide victim I am surviving again and watching my own family, my children, going through hell. It sucked the first time, and you can bet it sucks even more the second time and I would never subject my family to a third. Once was enough, twice was overkill(sorry for the pun).
The "ability" or "choice" to truthfully voice/respond to these questions is a risky business indeed. I'm petty sure if we had health insurance l'd have been institutionalized by now...
But this is my life right now and onward I will keep going...

Anxiety/Panic

Definitions: 
Anxiety: the distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
Panic Attack: an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.

Some times the definitions listed above is my life. The smallest, weirdest things can set me off for no apparent reason. It can be a song on the radio, a word or behavior or reaction from my kids, an item of clothing, a picture (one of the worst) and more often then not a call from my mother.

I hate how these "things" make me feel. I am completely out of control and I hate that, I hate "who" I become... I feel sick to my stomach, tears can over flow, shakiness, OMG, I hate it...
Why did this have to accompany everything else I'm dealing with. Isn't the grief we're going through enough, not only do I have to control how I'm dealing but I also have to work through how the kids are dealing and sometimes those brick walls are a nightmare. If you think you can butt heads with your kids try butting heads with your kids when you are both grieving monsters. It's awful, horrifying and just plain disgusting to say the least. Half the time I have to wonder if there is anyway we will ever be able to communicate like normal people. Nine times out of ten it's one or both parties yelling like we're in separate rooms with a radio on and on top of that the tone of voice one or both parties use is degrading and sometime just flat out rude.

I finally have everything done on the headstone, talked to the monument company and it will be placed in the cemetery on the anniversary of Austin's passing and I am truly happy with how it will look. However, because I am happy there is a guarantee my mother isn't. She has been my worst support system when I've needed her to the best. I figured when the smoke blew over she could be someone I could lean on, a shoulder I could dry on. Instead its been the exact opposite.

From the day Austin died I've had to be the grown up. Yeah I get that she feels like she's re-living my brothers death but how is that my problem. I had to ask her to leave the house when she showed up that night in an effort to protect my children, she was out of control and I couldn't subject my children to that as they hadn't even been told the true cause of his passing at that point. She has been upset with me for many things and is pissed that she can't help me cause shes been in my shoes. Really!!! My step dad was disappointed in me for not going to the hospital the day after to tell my mom in person that we had decided to have Austin cremated. He actually told me he was disappointed in me for not being strong enough to tell her in person. Holy crap I had just left the mortuary where they told me my son was not viewable for an open casket, which I had already assumed. Yet I wasn't strong enough to tell my mother in person myself.  a day or two later she asks me why I didn't get a lock of his hair for her... really!!! Then she has the gall to ask if she can go over to where he died to "clean up".  Have I not just dealt with enough that she has to ask about this crap!!! I know she has issues, I know she never received proper therapy for my brothers passing. Now to top it all off she hates the picture I am having placed on the headstone and at one point went as far as to hang up on me for not including her in my decision making. 
This is my situation, my pain, my grief... Why should I have to include her in anything. I am sorry she feels guilty, I'm sorry she felt it necessary to promise Austin not to tell me about his court charges/fees.
I am doing everything I can just to breath each day, to help my children learn the coping skills they are and will continue to be in need of.. There is nothing I can do to make my mom feel better. Her problem with the picture is, she feels it's a goofy, playful look and you can't see his handsomeness and other people aren't going to get it, so I told her it doesn't matter what other people think, all that matters is how I feel. His personality was one of his best features and anyone who knew him knows that.
As I've said the year mark is approaching and each minute, each hour, each day is a bi-polar moment of uncertainty.
I love and miss you kiddo...

 
Austin ~ 11/11/92 ~ 9/27/11
Lost from this life but not forgotten...

Survival???

Suicide sucks....really there is no other way to describe this feeling of numbness...

On one hand I am eternally grateful that the majority of our society has no idea what it's like to be a "Survivor of Suicide" and yet I want to scream at the world to make them understand and truly know what this feels like. And sadly that makes me feel a little guilty, knowing that every 15 minutes someone dies by suicide and another mom is learning how to live without their child another sibling learning what it's like to go without their childhood confidant...
Loosing a loved one to early, for any reason, is the worst imaginable place to find yourself in. I will never discredit any type of loss for anyone, because in essence it all sucks. But to loose someone by suicide, in my opinion, has got to be worse then anything else. I can't blame it on an accident, I can't blame it on terminal illness nor can I blame my son, as I've mentioned before.
Only the strong survive, those who can fight the fight each and every day, at least this is what I tell myself. I wake up with the pain each and every morning, the breath I have to remind myself to take each morning can be difficult and some days I wish I didn't have to take. I live life in baby steps and can ask no more from myself, and I pray every day that I can continue to do that. I often wonder if I have what it takes to stand up and fight this fight, and really to do more then just survive each day. 
I think and feel most days that "Yes I Can Do This". I can take that first inhale of breath each morning, put one foot in front of the other as I get out of bed and go through my morning routine and come out of my bedroom.. Sometimes that's about as far as I get... From that point forward, each day is a painful struggle. On some occasions I can put on the "mom hat" and make sure the laundry is done (rarely folded but done), do the dishes, vacuum, sweep, mop, and show/tell my children how much they mean to me and that without them life isn't worth living. On some occasions I can put on that "wife hat" and remind my husband what a true blessing he is in my life and how I couldn't go on without him. However more often then not I can't, it's not that I don't want to, it's just so hard to actually follow through. The pain within my heart, deep in my gut, is all consuming. 
No I don't cook dinner each night, yes I sometimes forget to put the laundry into the dryer and have to rewash it, sometimes more then once. I am quick to run through the amount of patience I have each day and have to rely on others to help my kids do their homework, and will always be grateful to my older children who can actually help the younger kids in the areas I can not. However I do become extremely irritated, aggravated and all out disgruntled with the fact that people tend to point out those faults, especially on a social network. That's when I wish they truly understood what it means to be in my shoes. Don't publicly complain about my misgivings until you've lost a child. Until you know what this feels like, and can honestly understand how debilitating survival as a parent actually is!!!

In many ways this has opened my eyes to see things from my mothers point of view and what she went through almost 30 years ago. It has made some things much more understandable, and yet some things remain unforgivable. 
Sometimes I feel like the karma bus/universe/whatever is still stuck on my front lawn. I feel like everything we went through last year was enough, that we don't need any lessons right now on how tough life can be. Yet I feel like that karma bus continues to hit me upside the head with a two by four. After Austin died I knew right away that my children and I needed to seek out counseling, which is something I never had being in their shoes. I found and we all attended the Center for Grieving Children with my family. There they taught many lessons on anger, sadness and to find ways to express ourselves through our grief.
I love my children and want whats best for them. So in dealing with this emotional turmoil, my husband and I decided we needed a fresh start. Some way to find ourselves again!We found a business to purchase and decided to go for it!!! We moved 5 hours away from everything and everyone we knew. Found a cute new home and so far are working at making it our own. We've lived here a few short 6 months and already are having home owners angst...lol
The reason for the latest "laundry left in the washer" was due to the fact that our sewer drain pipes backed up into the house. Ruining our carpet padding to the point we've had to rip several square feet of it out, call in a plumber only to find out the drain pipe itself has sunk further underground then it's meant to and that our yard, sidewalk and about 4 ft of asphalt needs to be ripped up to get the pipe lifted in order to avoid this problem occurring again... And as it turns out the city passed an ordinance around the time we purchased the house making all home owners responsible for all repairs for the line from the house to the city's main line. Apparently they have had to pay for to many repairs for other homeowners and had become a financial burden for them. Ugh really!!! We're still unsure if any of our homeowners insurance(s) will cover the repairs and it may have to paid all out of pocket...sigh. I have no idea how we'll manage that financial burden, especially since I have been unemployed since our move. On top of the fact that I just had to replace the transfer case/drive line in my car... Yes we own our own business and are doing what we can to get that up and running, but in the meantime we need the additional income from an outside source not to mention health insurance. We need to continue with some sort of therapy in order to do more then survive and learn how to live again. There are no centers for grieving children in the area we live now, no youth support groups to help them continue to understand the path they've been dumped into... I have gone to our church and they are helping with therapy now and that will begin in a week or two for the kids but I can't and wont be able to rely on that help forever let alone for any major amount of time.
I know that things continue to suck a little less each and every day, and I am working on not letting my sons suicide define me and hold me back from living. And each and every other day I continue to worry about my kids. How will they learn to move past this and live. My children are so different then how "they used to be." They are angry, sad, have feelings of uselessness and my youngest constantly feels as though he needs to "fix" things that he can't and it breaks my heart. 
Logically I know the pain will lessen, that life goes forward. That the grief and guilt we all feel will one day not feel so debilitating. But until then we just survive...

Out of the Darkness ~ Community Walk

National Suicide Prevention/Awareness

This week is the National Suicide Awareness/Prevention Week. One of the major reasons to support this, is to educate yourself and those around you to watch for signs/symptoms/possible reason(s) why someone in your life may consider suicide as an option to rid themselves of the pain they may be in.

As I mentioned before we are approaching the 1 year “anniversary” of the death of my son, Austin. It has been a long 11.5 months and not to mention the horrifying 6 months leading up to his passing. No one ever knows or has all the answers as to the reason(s) someone “decides” to take their own life. There are no answers to the many questions and whys we ask ourselves. But as I look back and attempt to put myself in my son’s shoes, I can pretend I know why. Sometimes that’s enough, sometimes it isn’t.

In February 2011 we received some disturbing news from our dentist at a routine cleaning. The best he could tell us was that there was a large “spot” appearing on/in/around the left side of Austin’s jaw. He referred us to an oral surgeon. Just the idea of this was frightening as we had no idea what to expect. Austin had played the saxophone for 6 years and it was for last of a better word or phrase, his life. Within a few weeks we had our appointment with the specialist. He conducted a CT scan of Austin’s jaw and was able to tell us that the jaw bone had in fact disintegrated. One eighth to almost one forth of Austin’s jaw was gone, the only thing holding onto his teeth were his gums which had in effect “swollen” to take the place of the bone in order to keep his teeth in place.  We then scheduled a biopsy for the end of May. We ended up having to wait until the later date in order for Austin to be able to perform/compete in the state band competition. I mean it was his senior year it was the least we could do as we were unsure what the effect the biopsy was going to have on his ability to play.  On top of this he was having some problems with his girlfriend and in order to preserve all our sanity to a point he ended the relationship. Austin was finally able to get his truck up and running as well as registered, only to have it break down a few short weeks later, something to do with the back axel. He then made a deal with his grandmother for another vehicle, he had that one for about 6 months before the engine blew(no oil). In within 10 weeks he had two vehicles crap out on him. Yes he had a job but little to no hours to earn a viable paycheck to help get either car up and on their “feet” again. Then last August our 19 year old cat fell and was no longer able to care for herself. Austin was beside himself, he loved that kitty. He argued with me for days on whether or not we should have her put down and he was very angry with me for even suggesting it. In an effort to have him understand the importance of preserving Likie’s life force and not having her live in pain I had him take her to the vet. Where sadly the vet agreed she should be put to sleep. Austin was there with just his younger sister to stand by his side to do this. It broke his heart as it did with the rest of his siblings. It’s never easy to loose a pet let alone one we’d had so long. And a month later Austin was gone from the world.

Many other things were going on as well, some I knew some I was completely in the dark about. He had gotten a speeding ticket and we made him pay the ticket and take care of it himself. We did everything we could to help insure he would gain the life experiences and ability to become a confident, contributing young adult. I always did what I could to ensure he had what he needed, when he’d tell me he needed it. Apparently he always wanted some things that didn’t fit into our budget, extra’s I never thought was a need. Austin had a fascination with knives. He had more pocket knives then any one person would ever use in a lifetime. He loved them to the point he was caught shop lifting sometime in July of 2011. He never said anything to me about this, he went to court on his own, dealt with the consequences of his actions and had even more “bills” he couldn’t afford to pay.

I found out about these court fines and fees the day after his death by the detective working on his case and later found out my mom knew but had promised him she would tell me. He was so afraid of being a disappointment to me. So afraid I would be disappointed in him. I sometimes feel like I failed in my ability to parent and teach him my love was unconditional. Yes, I would have been disappointed he had stolen something, but that wouldn’t have made me love him any less. On top of all this, the night before he died I had talked to him about learning to grow his credit by applying to get his own cell phone line, I told him I’d pay the bill provided he did a little more around the house to earn it. However I don’t think he heard that part of the conversation, I think all he heard was, he needed more money, he was being asked to take on even more responsibility. My heart aches, and yes I have enormous guilt, thinking had I just kept my mouth shut he’d still be here somehow. I miss him so much it physically hurts me inside and out.

Everyone says the pain will lessen and time goes on and logically I think I believe that but right now it’s an all consuming pain and even typing this almost has me in hysterical tears. I’d do anything to take it back, to have my son by my side as a living breathing person, I’d give up my life for his. I honestly have no idea where I’m going any more, what I want out of life. So I just make sure that each day I breathe, I get out of bed, I do some laundry and most nights I cook dinner. Believe me when I say that half the time I don’t want to: but then I look at my other children I am reminded why I’m still here.  They are the oxygen to my lungs, the smile to my frown. And the other half of me knows why I’m here…for them.

It’s amazing to me how “loudly” the logical side of me is in constant “disagreement” with the emotional side of my being. And for the most part the logical side of me wins out, and for that I thank the lord daily.

The Past to today...

In less then 3 weeks we will hit a new milestone for our family... the one year anniversary of Austin's death. It's completely unimaginable how much life can change in just one short year. To sum it up: Suicide Sucks! It changes everyone left behind so dramatically.
Before I go any further I'll add a little more background info:

Around the time Austin was 3 ½ I started dated my now husband. He was so good to and with Austin. Our first official date was a play date at the park with our children. I knew right away that this was the person I’d spend the rest of my life with. He brought so much to our little family of two. Austin loved the thought of having a brother and sister to play with even if only part time.

We were married a year later and soon welcomed our first daughter, Marinda, to the family 10 months after that. Being 5 years old Austin was so ready to be a full time big brother. He loved Minda with all of his heart. Always wanting to hold her and give her kisses.

Being a big brother was everything to him but confusing as well, he wasn’t an only child anymore. Not only did he need to learn to share my affections with Phil, he now had to share them with Minda. As he was slowly learning to come to terms with all the changes in his short little life we found out we were having another baby.  Danica graced our family just a short 19 months after Marinda was born. Now Austin had two little sisters and was frustrated at not having a brother so 20 months later we fulfilled his desires and brought home a beautiful little brother for him.
On top of all the new siblings we moved to a new home. Moving isn't always the easiest thing in the world for anyone, especially kids. And we ended up moving several more times, each in the hope of being able to provide better and more for our kids.
Each change, whether it be a new baby or another more was hard on Austin and by the time we bought our first home Austin had some behaviors that were difficult to manage let alone understand. I finally admitted to needing help to help him. We took him to the doctor described his "symptoms" to which the diagnosis of ADHD was given. He was placed on a medication at age 13 and things seems to be going well for a while. I should have paid more attention, I should have opened my eyes a little better, not that playing the should have, would have, could have's game ever helped then any more then they will now.
At 14 Austin had a difficult run in with one of his sisters, it was then that I thought he needed more one on one attention. Someone that could give him a little more then I could. So I arranged for him to temporarily move in with someone he really barely knew, had pout on a pedestal as the fun guy he vacationed with.

It wasn’t supposed to be a long time move just one where he could gain some footing to help him figure out who he was and where he was going in life sort to speak.

I can again go into the: should have, would have, could have game again but again what good does it do me now. Yes I should have listened and brought him home when he was ready, Yes I should have heard the desperation in his voice when he said he needed to leave there. Instead I thought then that maybe therapy would help. I convinced them to attend therapy to help him and their relationship. Yeah that didn’t work and by the time he was a junior in high school I was pulling him out of there and moving him back home in the middle of his school year. He blamed his dad for that move until the day he died. But I just couldn’t listen to the sadness I heard in Austin nor the constant crap I had heard from his dad and step mom anymore. I know they did the best they could under the circumstances. But they had never had kids of their own and had no idea what they were getting themselves into when they agreed to take on a teenager, who was in fact a very emotionally fragile young man.

Austin is not the first person to commit suicide within our family nor in his fathers family.

Depression and other mental illnesses are very prominent on both sides leading to the very fragile, delicate blend to his DNA. Again I should have known better, and tried to do more, be more and understand more.

Unfortunately genetics, emotions, nor parenting come with a hand book and no amount of training can really give you all the tools you need to know on how to help someone who suffers from a mental illness.

Everyone I know has told me I am not to blame for his death and the logical side of me knows this. He is not truly to blame for his death either. People who suffer from a mental illness don’t see the logic that say you and I do, all they see is that death is the natural course to end the pain. To rid themselves of the anguish, sadness, anger, feelings of self loathing, not wanting to be a disappointment to others is all they are focused on. They don’t realize the mess they are leaving behind, the family and friends they are leaving in pain all they want is to get rid of their own suffering. It’s a logical next step in the logic of their thinking in that one moment of total despair. 

I read a quote the other day on the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors Facebook page that kind of helps put some things into perspective:

 “Granted that they left behind a wake of pain and disruption, they did not want this effect. Their mind was so distorted and engulfed in pain that they thought that they were doing the right thing. They had no idea of the destruction that they were leaving behind". -- Fr. Charles Rubey

And its true our family is different, my children have all changed, none of them are the same. I knew they wouldn't be, just as my sisters and I were permanently changed the day our brother died so are my children...
http://www.allianceofhope.org/ ~ this is a great resource for survivors, if you're a survivor and need to seek out others who understand you, please visit this site or their FB page.

World Suicide Prevention day is Monday Sept. 10, 2012:

Suicide is preventable: Seek help or help someone else. Educate yourself and those around you.
The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention is also hosting/sponsoring (whatever you want to call it) an Out of the Darkness Walk:
 http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.home Please join a community near you!