No matter how hard I try the regrets I have come crashing down on me at night while I attempt to fall asleep. Its so freaking daunting and overwhelming. As I've mentioned before I do everything I can not to play the "should have, would have, could have"(shwhch) game, but sometimes at night my 20 ft steal enforced brick walls come crashing down without even thinking of the consequences to my own well being. Just when I think, with relief, that I've made it another day fully in tack, I crash...
Crashing is one of the hardest moments I tend to deal with. It involves the "shwhch" game, the why didn't I do this or do that, conversations that could have been different, wording that should have been used. More hugs, more I love yous. Anything and everything you would take back or change in any way shape or form. Most of the time the result of this crash is a terrifying anxiety/panic attack. Thankfully not many people have witnessed my having those. Thankfully my kids are either sleeping or at school. I hate that the regrets can have so much control of how I'm feeling and my reactions to those feelings.
Everyone tells you and I even tend to tell myself a lot of the time, that the death, whatever the cause, of a loved one is not your fault and that you did everything you could, don't have regrets, you are a great mom... Logically this all makes sense, but emotionally the heart "sees, feels and thinks" differently.
I've started seeing a therapist and I continue to attend an SOS (survivors of suicide) group all of which is helping me make it through each of these moments that suck.
Tomorrow is the day my son died a year ago... Do I have regrets, of course I do, I think I always will. Will I make it through the day? Of course I will, its the only choice I have. Will people see or know how or what tomorrow truly feels like to me? Probably not... why, because no one wants to see that, not even me...
No parent should lose a child. As a society there is no word in the English language that describes this "event". If you lose your spouse you are called a widow, if you are a child and you lose your parents you are called an orphan. There is one word I found through my research that attempts to "name" this: “Vilomah.” is a Sanskrit word meaning “against a natural order". For a parent who loses a child there is only one word in the English language that even remotely describes who/what we are: Devastated.
Crashing is one of the hardest moments I tend to deal with. It involves the "shwhch" game, the why didn't I do this or do that, conversations that could have been different, wording that should have been used. More hugs, more I love yous. Anything and everything you would take back or change in any way shape or form. Most of the time the result of this crash is a terrifying anxiety/panic attack. Thankfully not many people have witnessed my having those. Thankfully my kids are either sleeping or at school. I hate that the regrets can have so much control of how I'm feeling and my reactions to those feelings.
Everyone tells you and I even tend to tell myself a lot of the time, that the death, whatever the cause, of a loved one is not your fault and that you did everything you could, don't have regrets, you are a great mom... Logically this all makes sense, but emotionally the heart "sees, feels and thinks" differently.
I've started seeing a therapist and I continue to attend an SOS (survivors of suicide) group all of which is helping me make it through each of these moments that suck.
Tomorrow is the day my son died a year ago... Do I have regrets, of course I do, I think I always will. Will I make it through the day? Of course I will, its the only choice I have. Will people see or know how or what tomorrow truly feels like to me? Probably not... why, because no one wants to see that, not even me...
No parent should lose a child. As a society there is no word in the English language that describes this "event". If you lose your spouse you are called a widow, if you are a child and you lose your parents you are called an orphan. There is one word I found through my research that attempts to "name" this: “Vilomah.” is a Sanskrit word meaning “against a natural order". For a parent who loses a child there is only one word in the English language that even remotely describes who/what we are: Devastated.
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