We made it through Thanksgiving... albeit not easy with just ourselves...but I made all the traditional items to enjoy. Now we have Christmas to get through...personally if I could crawl into a cave and hibernate from Sept. 27th through Jan. 2nd I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to be awake because every waking moment throughout the "holidays" is a reminder that my family no longer feels complete. I am sadly grateful not to "have" to go to family gatherings or most Christmas parties. I know it sounds pathetic, but watching everybody celebrating with 'all' their family members is just so freaking hard... and yes I've said this before, but it just hurts so damn much. There is this constant, gut wrenching, nagging, anxious ridden, depressing feeling knawing at the pit of my stomach, that never seems to go away. And tends to be more obvious and annoying as we inch closer to Christmas. I avoided placing Austins personal ornaments on our Christmas tree this year simply because I just don't want to look at them, and unless the kids read this blog I don't think they've even noticed. I am eternally grateful for the ornament exchange group I had been apart of for a few years before moving. There are so many new ornaments on my tree, its all filled up.
I was fortunate to dream of Austin last night and feel slightly assured he is well and happy and that is always a relief... but it is also the cause of more emotional upheavals right now. I feel like this roller coaster continues to be never ending... the brakes have been cut and there are no emergency brakes on this sucker at all.
There is so much emotional ups and downs from everyone at home as well, if it were just me it might be tolerable, but with all of us on a different high or low of our individual roller coasters its hard to walk in that door every night. No one knows how each evening will unfold. Whether there will be joy and laughter or anger and door slamming. And typically its the latter of the two...making for a long/cranky evening for everyone.
I've also gained a new understanding as to why my mother can no longer hold down a job for any length of time. I never know how I'm going to feel each morning as I awake and get ready for the day. Nor do I know how long that feeling will last whether it be positive or negative. Some days I can be on the verge of tears over everything said or done or not said or done. Or I can feel 'normal' like everything is just what it is or I can be the 'miss happy go lucky, overly positive do gooder'. And it never fails I can tell every stranger that crosses my path that no matter how difficult my sons death has been, or any circumstance we happen to talk about, that there is always something positive that can be derived from it all. When in fact I feel like another part of me is dying with each word and each breath in between.
Honestly, I've realized I still have no idea which way is up or which way is down yet and most days I wonder if I'll ever gain that footage again.
As always, may you find peace no matter what you're going through.
http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-73.pdf
I was fortunate to dream of Austin last night and feel slightly assured he is well and happy and that is always a relief... but it is also the cause of more emotional upheavals right now. I feel like this roller coaster continues to be never ending... the brakes have been cut and there are no emergency brakes on this sucker at all.
There is so much emotional ups and downs from everyone at home as well, if it were just me it might be tolerable, but with all of us on a different high or low of our individual roller coasters its hard to walk in that door every night. No one knows how each evening will unfold. Whether there will be joy and laughter or anger and door slamming. And typically its the latter of the two...making for a long/cranky evening for everyone.
I've also gained a new understanding as to why my mother can no longer hold down a job for any length of time. I never know how I'm going to feel each morning as I awake and get ready for the day. Nor do I know how long that feeling will last whether it be positive or negative. Some days I can be on the verge of tears over everything said or done or not said or done. Or I can feel 'normal' like everything is just what it is or I can be the 'miss happy go lucky, overly positive do gooder'. And it never fails I can tell every stranger that crosses my path that no matter how difficult my sons death has been, or any circumstance we happen to talk about, that there is always something positive that can be derived from it all. When in fact I feel like another part of me is dying with each word and each breath in between.
Honestly, I've realized I still have no idea which way is up or which way is down yet and most days I wonder if I'll ever gain that footage again.
As always, may you find peace no matter what you're going through.
http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-73.pdf
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