It's amazing to me how fast life moves forward, yet in moments tends to stand completely still. In the 3 1/2 years since Austin has been gone so much has changed for us not only emotionally and mentally but geographically and environmentally etc.
I find that not only am I able to smile and laugh again but so are my children, smiling and laughing learning to love ourselves and trust in others. Sometimes, more often then not its so pure and genuine. There continue to be times where we fake it and I think from experience that will always be the case. But these moments of real joy are here and they feel good. There isn't a day that goes by where we don't miss Austin and at times I even forget he's really gone from this world and working his mission in the next life. We will have eternity to work on where we went wrong. Don't get me wrong I still have guilt, I'm not entirely sure I will rid myself of that, but I will continue to ask for the Lord's help in combatting that feeling and allow him to work with me to lessen those feelings.
I've always known I tend to be a negative person, the glass is half empty kind of girl... that's a hard habit to break after 40+ years of living that way. But I'm in a better place then I've ever really been mentally and emotionally. I have a job I am truly enjoying, I work some amazingly kind people. And for once I feel good enough about myself to enjoy that feeling.
Things continue to work in our favor in many ways. And when we allow the joy to continue to return, even if only in bits and pieces, we can continue to learn to live again and not just survive. Survival is necessary in the beginning and right now that survival mode continues to work for us for many reasons... but living, truly living is so much better.
Raising teenagers after a traumatic life event is so very difficult. Now I know why my parents struggled and failed. I'm still bitter and resentful about that but I am working on forgiveness. Its a big pill to swallow. I worry how this will affect their futures... they are fighting to find themselves, fighting to understand their emotions...etc. It's so hard to watch them having to endure this roller coaster as I had to growing up, breaks my heart. When will the stigma end, when will we as a society learn to talk about, accept, and work together to understand the depths of Mental illness?!?!
We are working toward being a unified functioning family unit, but it's hard. The behavioral roller coasters are so crazy, happy and getting along one minute and ready to tear each other apart the next. As we once again begin to embark on one more move to another hone, another environment I pray that the Lord continues to be our sides. Helping us to grow, accept change and learn to lean on each other for strength. Not a far move but enough of one where new friends will need to be made by us all, new schools for the two youngest and hopefully a stopping point where we can feel settled once again. In a home to call our own in exchange for a small apartment with communal walls and shared rooms. A place to gather our bearings, have space to retreat to without feeling invaded by someone else. My hope is that my girls will learn to respect each others differences, and maybe learn to step out of their comfort zones and find friends and prayerfully the Lord to help guide them as they ready themselves for their futures. And for my baby to find out he really can fit in and be accepted by his peers.
And remember if you are struggling or know someone who is, reach out for hope, reach out for help, call the 24/7 Crisis line 1-800-273-8255 or if you're under 18 text 741-741 there is always someone out there available to listen....
