Back to Guilt

The feelings of guilt seem never ending. It doesnt seem to matter what I do or how I do it, what I say or how I say it, back to work or stay at home mom...it's wrong in at least one persons opinion. I know this sounds like a pity trip and maybe to some degree it is. I am not perfect, nor is there a life manual to help me meet the expectations of those around me. I am me, I am hurting, I am sad and most of the time I am still lost in this pit of dispair.
I've gone back to work and my baby boy throws a new found feeling of abandonment at me. This breaks my heart because I know how much he is hurting and how much change he has been asked to accept. Yet I am unwilling to move back to our former town. One of my daughters falls into the teenage bandwagon and "accepts" challenges of additional self harm then the actions she already takes and I feel powerless to help her. One daughter has taken it upon herself to tell me I am doing everything wrong because I do not approach family problems in a manner she thinks is best, as I am not fitting the bill of mother in her opinion.
And now the holidays are upon us...I constantly have the T.V. playing the never ending Christmas movies in the hopes to put me in the mood for wanting to enjoy the holidays and honestly I think i'd rather be put in a medically induced coma until they are over... I pray this feeling ends in the years of holidays to come. It is so hard to want to enjoy them when your family unit is forever altered and feels incomplete. Family gathers of any nature feel wrong and depressing and this year I am some what glad we live too far away to be present for them and unable to afford the trip. Again this is selfish (and guilt inducing) because I know the kids would benefit from attending them and finding their normal for the holidays.
I find myself spacing off and finding solace in just feeling numb, which is so much easier then feeling anything good or bad.
To those who have found themself in these shoes, may you find peace in knowing your loved one is no longer lost or in pain. As I try to remember each and every moment of each and every day.

Birthdays

Today would have been my son's 20th birthday. And I am sitting recalling memories of the day he was born. He was so precious... Born on 11/11/92, at 11:06 am, he weighed 6 lbs 11oz and was 20 in long, he was born with 11 fingers 6 on his left hand... Aaaahhh his left side, so many things that we're wrong or could have been wrong with his left side... The top of his left ear did not curl over and it "should" have...that silly extra thumb that he always told me I should have left verses having removed when he was 7 months old. And then of course there was the disintegrated jaw on his left side discovered just 6 months before he died in 2011. My heart is full of love and life as well as sorry and grief for not seeing or realizing all that was bothering him. down. Not realizing how dark the road was that he was traveling, oh how I wish I could have lit the road and help guide him better then I had been doing. I pray to God I find a better way to raise the rest of the children He has blessed with me. Because I really do feel as though I failed some days in raising Austin.

I'd give almost anything to be able to celebrate 10, 20, 30 more birthdays with my son, instead I am left with the memories of the 18 birthdays I was allowed to have. Wondering how I am able to even get out of bed, yet knowing I have a life to live and reasons to breath and to remember to celebrate the life I have with my amazing family.

I love and miss you kiddo!!! May you have an amazing day no matter where you are in the universe. May you be blessed in your travels and love everything you are doing...

SAVE - Suicide is Preventable

www.save.org

"At SAVE we believe that suicide is preventable and that suicide prevention works. In order to accomplish our mission and goals, we use the public health model along with media campaigns and education to raise awareness of suicide. We use an educational approach to dispel the myths about suicide, and to let others know about the realities surrounding what the former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. David Satcher called a "public health crisis." On the following pages you will find information and resources that will help you if you are suicidal or if you know someone who is.

If you are suicidal or you think someone you know is, we want you to know that help is available and recovery is possible! Start by learning the warning signs, and do whatever you can to get yourself or someone you care about to the help they need so that they can return to living a fully functioning life."

Warning Signs of Suicide

These signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. Risk is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss or change.

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
• Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.

Additional Warning Signs of Suicide

• Preoccupation with death.
• Suddenly happier, calmer.
• Loss of interest in things one cares about.
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
• Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
• Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or mental health professional.

In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).