Back to Guilt

The feelings of guilt seem never ending. It doesnt seem to matter what I do or how I do it, what I say or how I say it, back to work or stay at home mom...it's wrong in at least one persons opinion. I know this sounds like a pity trip and maybe to some degree it is. I am not perfect, nor is there a life manual to help me meet the expectations of those around me. I am me, I am hurting, I am sad and most of the time I am still lost in this pit of dispair.
I've gone back to work and my baby boy throws a new found feeling of abandonment at me. This breaks my heart because I know how much he is hurting and how much change he has been asked to accept. Yet I am unwilling to move back to our former town. One of my daughters falls into the teenage bandwagon and "accepts" challenges of additional self harm then the actions she already takes and I feel powerless to help her. One daughter has taken it upon herself to tell me I am doing everything wrong because I do not approach family problems in a manner she thinks is best, as I am not fitting the bill of mother in her opinion.
And now the holidays are upon us...I constantly have the T.V. playing the never ending Christmas movies in the hopes to put me in the mood for wanting to enjoy the holidays and honestly I think i'd rather be put in a medically induced coma until they are over... I pray this feeling ends in the years of holidays to come. It is so hard to want to enjoy them when your family unit is forever altered and feels incomplete. Family gathers of any nature feel wrong and depressing and this year I am some what glad we live too far away to be present for them and unable to afford the trip. Again this is selfish (and guilt inducing) because I know the kids would benefit from attending them and finding their normal for the holidays.
I find myself spacing off and finding solace in just feeling numb, which is so much easier then feeling anything good or bad.
To those who have found themself in these shoes, may you find peace in knowing your loved one is no longer lost or in pain. As I try to remember each and every moment of each and every day.