Anxiety: the distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
Panic Attack: an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.
Some times the definitions listed above is my life. The smallest, weirdest things can set me off for no apparent reason. It can be a song on the radio, a word or behavior or reaction from my kids, an item of clothing, a picture (one of the worst) and more often then not a call from my mother.
I hate how these "things" make me feel. I am completely out of control and I hate that, I hate "who" I become... I feel sick to my stomach, tears can over flow, shakiness, OMG, I hate it...
Why did this have to accompany everything else I'm dealing with. Isn't the grief we're going through enough, not only do I have to control how I'm dealing but I also have to work through how the kids are dealing and sometimes those brick walls are a nightmare. If you think you can butt heads with your kids try butting heads with your kids when you are both grieving monsters. It's awful, horrifying and just plain disgusting to say the least. Half the time I have to wonder if there is anyway we will ever be able to communicate like normal people. Nine times out of ten it's one or both parties yelling like we're in separate rooms with a radio on and on top of that the tone of voice one or both parties use is degrading and sometime just flat out rude.
I finally have everything done on the headstone, talked to the monument company and it will be placed in the cemetery on the anniversary of Austin's passing and I am truly happy with how it will look. However, because I am happy there is a guarantee my mother isn't. She has been my worst support system when I've needed her to the best. I figured when the smoke blew over she could be someone I could lean on, a shoulder I could dry on. Instead its been the exact opposite.
From the day Austin died I've had to be the grown up. Yeah I get that she feels like she's re-living my brothers death but how is that my problem. I had to ask her to leave the house when she showed up that night in an effort to protect my children, she was out of control and I couldn't subject my children to that as they hadn't even been told the true cause of his passing at that point. She has been upset with me for many things and is pissed that she can't help me cause shes been in my shoes. Really!!! My step dad was disappointed in me for not going to the hospital the day after to tell my mom in person that we had decided to have Austin cremated. He actually told me he was disappointed in me for not being strong enough to tell her in person. Holy crap I had just left the mortuary where they told me my son was not viewable for an open casket, which I had already assumed. Yet I wasn't strong enough to tell my mother in person myself. a day or two later she asks me why I didn't get a lock of his hair for her... really!!! Then she has the gall to ask if she can go over to where he died to "clean up". Have I not just dealt with enough that she has to ask about this crap!!! I know she has issues, I know she never received proper therapy for my brothers passing. Now to top it all off she hates the picture I am having placed on the headstone and at one point went as far as to hang up on me for not including her in my decision making.
This is my situation, my pain, my grief... Why should I have to include her in anything. I am sorry she feels guilty, I'm sorry she felt it necessary to promise Austin not to tell me about his court charges/fees.
I am doing everything I can just to breath each day, to help my children learn the coping skills they are and will continue to be in need of.. There is nothing I can do to make my mom feel better. Her problem with the picture is, she feels it's a goofy, playful look and you can't see his handsomeness and other people aren't going to get it, so I told her it doesn't matter what other people think, all that matters is how I feel. His personality was one of his best features and anyone who knew him knows that.
As I've said the year mark is approaching and each minute, each hour, each day is a bi-polar moment of uncertainty.
I love and miss you kiddo...
Austin ~ 11/11/92 ~ 9/27/11
Lost from this life but not forgotten...
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