Six months almost to the day we picked up and moved from the area where Austin passed away. We decided a fresh start would be the best thing we could do for our family. I love the area we moved to; nice, quiet and remote. This is great for me at least emotionally and mentally, but maybe not so much for the kiddies.
My children have struggled with life since that day...and my heart constantly hurts for them. Even though I know what each of them are feeling and the emotions they are going through, what I know is not enough. They started school within days of our move...time to move forward and meet new people, make friends before summer begins.
Easier said then done...
My oldest daughter refused to meet people, claiming everyone in the area are snotty and unable to accept new comers. My middle daughter throws herself into midst of things and immediately knows all the drama. And my baby boy is torn, wants so badly to make friends and be the center of attention of the neighborhood, unfortunately there aren't as many kids in our new remote location to follow him around like they did before we moved.
Each of them are struggling with their grief, trying to figure out who they are and how they now fit in our new family dynamic and our new community. On top of all this, their older brother has moved in with us for the first time in his life, having always lived with his mom. No one knows who they are, let alone how to act or react to what the another person is feeling, saying, let alone the new personality quirks we have developed this last year.
Every moment; disagreements, chores, home work assignments, being responsible for our actions, tends to be the most traumatic events ever. Emotions are worn on their sleeves(as well as my own), reactions are overblown and accountability is pretty much null and void. No one wants to take accountability any more. No one wants to accept responsibility for what they do or don't do. It's never their fault when they've done something wrong and it's almost impossible to talk to them. It's so hard to keep my emotions in check when the kids aren't getting their way every moment of every day.
I admit that this last year has been difficult to make the kids responsible for their actions. It has been way more easier to give in and let the peace reign, sort to speak. And let me tell you, that was definitely the wrong course. But I honestly didn't realize this has been what I've been doing until recently... as I watch my baby who is 11 throw a full blown toddler temper tantrum because he talked back to me(to which I grounded him for) and didn't get his way 15 minutes later. In the meantime I am also ruining my 12 year old's social life because I have refused to return her cell phone to her after it was confiscated at school for texting in class. Not to mention she is currently not passing some of her classes, so the rule has been set in place that the phone will not be returned until she speaks with each teacher and has a plan in place to bring her grades up. And heaven forbid I tell any one of them that my computer is off limits for any reason. So I've started to say 'yep sorry I am the big bad ogre and you can't do anything at all ever'!!! Hehehe not that this statement goes over very well and can sometimes end with them yelling at me more, slamming their doors or simply saying, "whatever", as if expecting me to give in, in the end. Well I am here to say I will no longer be giving in to their wants. No matter the migraine I may end up with, the doors(privacy) that may disappear, and their social lives be damned "forever".
The hardest thing for me is that I am still working on my own feelings about my sons death and still have to deal with my kids feelings too...this is so freaking hard. And the healing process definitely feels as though it has been drawn out for me.
I admit I am tired!!!
I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like I have failed. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of the every day arguments/disagreements about everything. I am just plain tired.
I know things will improve and we will once again be the family we strive to be and it will take time, patience and therapy... yes one day things will change for the better...
My children have struggled with life since that day...and my heart constantly hurts for them. Even though I know what each of them are feeling and the emotions they are going through, what I know is not enough. They started school within days of our move...time to move forward and meet new people, make friends before summer begins.
Easier said then done...
My oldest daughter refused to meet people, claiming everyone in the area are snotty and unable to accept new comers. My middle daughter throws herself into midst of things and immediately knows all the drama. And my baby boy is torn, wants so badly to make friends and be the center of attention of the neighborhood, unfortunately there aren't as many kids in our new remote location to follow him around like they did before we moved.
Each of them are struggling with their grief, trying to figure out who they are and how they now fit in our new family dynamic and our new community. On top of all this, their older brother has moved in with us for the first time in his life, having always lived with his mom. No one knows who they are, let alone how to act or react to what the another person is feeling, saying, let alone the new personality quirks we have developed this last year.
Every moment; disagreements, chores, home work assignments, being responsible for our actions, tends to be the most traumatic events ever. Emotions are worn on their sleeves(as well as my own), reactions are overblown and accountability is pretty much null and void. No one wants to take accountability any more. No one wants to accept responsibility for what they do or don't do. It's never their fault when they've done something wrong and it's almost impossible to talk to them. It's so hard to keep my emotions in check when the kids aren't getting their way every moment of every day.
I admit that this last year has been difficult to make the kids responsible for their actions. It has been way more easier to give in and let the peace reign, sort to speak. And let me tell you, that was definitely the wrong course. But I honestly didn't realize this has been what I've been doing until recently... as I watch my baby who is 11 throw a full blown toddler temper tantrum because he talked back to me(to which I grounded him for) and didn't get his way 15 minutes later. In the meantime I am also ruining my 12 year old's social life because I have refused to return her cell phone to her after it was confiscated at school for texting in class. Not to mention she is currently not passing some of her classes, so the rule has been set in place that the phone will not be returned until she speaks with each teacher and has a plan in place to bring her grades up. And heaven forbid I tell any one of them that my computer is off limits for any reason. So I've started to say 'yep sorry I am the big bad ogre and you can't do anything at all ever'!!! Hehehe not that this statement goes over very well and can sometimes end with them yelling at me more, slamming their doors or simply saying, "whatever", as if expecting me to give in, in the end. Well I am here to say I will no longer be giving in to their wants. No matter the migraine I may end up with, the doors(privacy) that may disappear, and their social lives be damned "forever".
The hardest thing for me is that I am still working on my own feelings about my sons death and still have to deal with my kids feelings too...this is so freaking hard. And the healing process definitely feels as though it has been drawn out for me.
I admit I am tired!!!
I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like I have failed. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of the every day arguments/disagreements about everything. I am just plain tired.
I know things will improve and we will once again be the family we strive to be and it will take time, patience and therapy... yes one day things will change for the better...
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