Guilt is the most common emotion felt after the death of a child, no matter the circumstances surrounding their passing...
I've read a few self help books, books on grief and grieving and have discovered that as much as I'd like to think I am done with certain aspects of the grieving process, only to find myself back on the same boat just a different day. It's like the boat just keeps going in these wide circles and then finds a whirlpool and gets stuck in a spiral type of spin. AND IT SUCKS!!!
Just when I feel like I'm secure in my "no more guilt" about his suicide, I find myself completely slammed, on the side of my head, with a two by four once again. I think back to all the "things" Austin was going through. All the crap that slammed into him in a 6 month time span and wonder if I could have helped change, alter or fix anything he was enduring. What could I have done differently, said differently. Could I have shown him more love, more understanding, tried to talk to him more, get him to open up to me more...anything...something. And then I realize I've done it again...I am playing the dreaded what if, should have/would have/could have game all over again when I could have sworn I'd stopped dragging myself down to that ledge.
I also realize I am doing it with my surviving children as well. I question everything I am doing, saying, not doing, not saying. Am I helping them learn to help themselves or am I enabling them down a path of self destruction. Am I showing them what it means to be responsible human beings? Am I teaching them how to be accountable for their actions?I worry and have guilt over everything I do and say, every time I take a breath...
There is nothing I wouldn't do for my kids, but yet at the same time like I feel like it's never enough and always too much.
There is no way to describe to everyone how a loss such as the death of your child by suicide can change your entire being. The overwhelming sadness, desolation and depression can take over your life. It is so hard to keep moving, to get off the couch for more then an hour a day, to talk to someone any other human being throughout the day that isn't in your immediate family. And when talking to that other human being to think of a topic that does not completely throw them off and make them start running in the other direction faster then their legs can carry them. I can be such a buzz kill in any social setting, either I am a blubbering mess or I am a warrior riding on the back of the "awareness and education of suicide" horse. There's rarely if ever any middle ground. And of course this brings on the guilt factor once more.
Guilt is a never ending, very large part of my existence...each and every day is a new example of how this is true.
I wish you all to be surrounded by light and love...
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Tired...
Six months almost to the day we picked up and moved from the area where Austin passed away. We decided a fresh start would be the best thing we could do for our family. I love the area we moved to; nice, quiet and remote. This is great for me at least emotionally and mentally, but maybe not so much for the kiddies.
My children have struggled with life since that day...and my heart constantly hurts for them. Even though I know what each of them are feeling and the emotions they are going through, what I know is not enough. They started school within days of our move...time to move forward and meet new people, make friends before summer begins.
Easier said then done...
My oldest daughter refused to meet people, claiming everyone in the area are snotty and unable to accept new comers. My middle daughter throws herself into midst of things and immediately knows all the drama. And my baby boy is torn, wants so badly to make friends and be the center of attention of the neighborhood, unfortunately there aren't as many kids in our new remote location to follow him around like they did before we moved.
Each of them are struggling with their grief, trying to figure out who they are and how they now fit in our new family dynamic and our new community. On top of all this, their older brother has moved in with us for the first time in his life, having always lived with his mom. No one knows who they are, let alone how to act or react to what the another person is feeling, saying, let alone the new personality quirks we have developed this last year.
Every moment; disagreements, chores, home work assignments, being responsible for our actions, tends to be the most traumatic events ever. Emotions are worn on their sleeves(as well as my own), reactions are overblown and accountability is pretty much null and void. No one wants to take accountability any more. No one wants to accept responsibility for what they do or don't do. It's never their fault when they've done something wrong and it's almost impossible to talk to them. It's so hard to keep my emotions in check when the kids aren't getting their way every moment of every day.
I admit that this last year has been difficult to make the kids responsible for their actions. It has been way more easier to give in and let the peace reign, sort to speak. And let me tell you, that was definitely the wrong course. But I honestly didn't realize this has been what I've been doing until recently... as I watch my baby who is 11 throw a full blown toddler temper tantrum because he talked back to me(to which I grounded him for) and didn't get his way 15 minutes later. In the meantime I am also ruining my 12 year old's social life because I have refused to return her cell phone to her after it was confiscated at school for texting in class. Not to mention she is currently not passing some of her classes, so the rule has been set in place that the phone will not be returned until she speaks with each teacher and has a plan in place to bring her grades up. And heaven forbid I tell any one of them that my computer is off limits for any reason. So I've started to say 'yep sorry I am the big bad ogre and you can't do anything at all ever'!!! Hehehe not that this statement goes over very well and can sometimes end with them yelling at me more, slamming their doors or simply saying, "whatever", as if expecting me to give in, in the end. Well I am here to say I will no longer be giving in to their wants. No matter the migraine I may end up with, the doors(privacy) that may disappear, and their social lives be damned "forever".
The hardest thing for me is that I am still working on my own feelings about my sons death and still have to deal with my kids feelings too...this is so freaking hard. And the healing process definitely feels as though it has been drawn out for me.
I admit I am tired!!!
I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like I have failed. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of the every day arguments/disagreements about everything. I am just plain tired.
I know things will improve and we will once again be the family we strive to be and it will take time, patience and therapy... yes one day things will change for the better...
My children have struggled with life since that day...and my heart constantly hurts for them. Even though I know what each of them are feeling and the emotions they are going through, what I know is not enough. They started school within days of our move...time to move forward and meet new people, make friends before summer begins.
Easier said then done...
My oldest daughter refused to meet people, claiming everyone in the area are snotty and unable to accept new comers. My middle daughter throws herself into midst of things and immediately knows all the drama. And my baby boy is torn, wants so badly to make friends and be the center of attention of the neighborhood, unfortunately there aren't as many kids in our new remote location to follow him around like they did before we moved.
Each of them are struggling with their grief, trying to figure out who they are and how they now fit in our new family dynamic and our new community. On top of all this, their older brother has moved in with us for the first time in his life, having always lived with his mom. No one knows who they are, let alone how to act or react to what the another person is feeling, saying, let alone the new personality quirks we have developed this last year.
Every moment; disagreements, chores, home work assignments, being responsible for our actions, tends to be the most traumatic events ever. Emotions are worn on their sleeves(as well as my own), reactions are overblown and accountability is pretty much null and void. No one wants to take accountability any more. No one wants to accept responsibility for what they do or don't do. It's never their fault when they've done something wrong and it's almost impossible to talk to them. It's so hard to keep my emotions in check when the kids aren't getting their way every moment of every day.
I admit that this last year has been difficult to make the kids responsible for their actions. It has been way more easier to give in and let the peace reign, sort to speak. And let me tell you, that was definitely the wrong course. But I honestly didn't realize this has been what I've been doing until recently... as I watch my baby who is 11 throw a full blown toddler temper tantrum because he talked back to me(to which I grounded him for) and didn't get his way 15 minutes later. In the meantime I am also ruining my 12 year old's social life because I have refused to return her cell phone to her after it was confiscated at school for texting in class. Not to mention she is currently not passing some of her classes, so the rule has been set in place that the phone will not be returned until she speaks with each teacher and has a plan in place to bring her grades up. And heaven forbid I tell any one of them that my computer is off limits for any reason. So I've started to say 'yep sorry I am the big bad ogre and you can't do anything at all ever'!!! Hehehe not that this statement goes over very well and can sometimes end with them yelling at me more, slamming their doors or simply saying, "whatever", as if expecting me to give in, in the end. Well I am here to say I will no longer be giving in to their wants. No matter the migraine I may end up with, the doors(privacy) that may disappear, and their social lives be damned "forever".
The hardest thing for me is that I am still working on my own feelings about my sons death and still have to deal with my kids feelings too...this is so freaking hard. And the healing process definitely feels as though it has been drawn out for me.
I admit I am tired!!!
I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like I have failed. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of the every day arguments/disagreements about everything. I am just plain tired.
I know things will improve and we will once again be the family we strive to be and it will take time, patience and therapy... yes one day things will change for the better...
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Headstone is placed
As we were driving north to view the headstone... I'm really not sure how I felt... an overwhelming sense of numbness seemed to have set in. On one hand I want to go to the cemetery by myself and just do what I need to do...but on the other I want to surround myself with people who can share this stuff with me. Be my support team that surrounds me with love and comfort. Unfortunately that love and comfort is always followed with the typical questions of "how are you doing?" "Are you doing Ok"" and "how are you holding up?" Although these questions are meant to let me know they are there for me and they are genuinely concerned for my well being, but the questions suck because the answers are always the same; what I say out loud is "I'm fine", "I'm doing Ok, thanks", or "I'm getting by, one baby step at a time". All of which are basically true and easier to say then what is screaming through my head... "NO I'M NOT OK...MY SON IS DEAD". How am I supposed to be doing? I really don't know, all I know is that a full year has passed and I am lost. I am in a space I don't know where the walls are, how far they expand or even if the end. But at the same time I feel like I'm at a dead end with no available turns or exits. This existence continues to be my hell.
The headstone is exactly what I wanted it to be, regardless of who does not agree. I found myself needing time alone at the graveside but instead found myself inviting everyone who wanted or needed to be there, to the cemetery at the same time. We had a nice time together talking and releasing the balloons with little messages to let go of this last year. And in some ways I am angry with myself for not taking the moment by myself at the graveside. And in other ways I am glad because I don't think I would have been able to pull myself together to endure the rest of the weekend. I'm not sure where we are going or how we'll get there but this last year is over and done with and therefore some kind of a relief has come over us. It doesn't change the fact that he is gone, it doesn't change the fact we're all still deeply grieving. That no matter how you toss the dice everything is different. There will be no more family gatherings that feel right, no more family dinners with him there. No more family photos that will ever quite look right...
I don't really like doing any of the things our families still want to do, get together, meals, monthly birthday celebrations, because it's a constant reminder that my family is not whole. They have everyone there, their families are whole and complete and mine is broken with one who will always be missing. Broken in ways I can't just put on a band-aid on it and pretend it will be better. I know in ways things will get "better" over time, but it can never be fixed, Austin will always be missing. Not only is it hard to go to these things it's even harder to hold back what I'm feeling, anger, envy and an overwhelming sadness, and pretend to have a good time and act like I am in anyway enjoying myself (and yes I know I don't always do that I can be a moody ass). Yes I know they lost a nephew, cousin or grandson and it's been hard for them too, but he wasn't their son. He wasn't in their stomach for 9 months, they didn't give birth to my beautiful child and they didn't have to bury one of their children because he/she died by suicide. And thank the Lord they haven't...
The headstone is exactly what I wanted it to be, regardless of who does not agree. I found myself needing time alone at the graveside but instead found myself inviting everyone who wanted or needed to be there, to the cemetery at the same time. We had a nice time together talking and releasing the balloons with little messages to let go of this last year. And in some ways I am angry with myself for not taking the moment by myself at the graveside. And in other ways I am glad because I don't think I would have been able to pull myself together to endure the rest of the weekend. I'm not sure where we are going or how we'll get there but this last year is over and done with and therefore some kind of a relief has come over us. It doesn't change the fact that he is gone, it doesn't change the fact we're all still deeply grieving. That no matter how you toss the dice everything is different. There will be no more family gatherings that feel right, no more family dinners with him there. No more family photos that will ever quite look right...
I don't really like doing any of the things our families still want to do, get together, meals, monthly birthday celebrations, because it's a constant reminder that my family is not whole. They have everyone there, their families are whole and complete and mine is broken with one who will always be missing. Broken in ways I can't just put on a band-aid on it and pretend it will be better. I know in ways things will get "better" over time, but it can never be fixed, Austin will always be missing. Not only is it hard to go to these things it's even harder to hold back what I'm feeling, anger, envy and an overwhelming sadness, and pretend to have a good time and act like I am in anyway enjoying myself (and yes I know I don't always do that I can be a moody ass). Yes I know they lost a nephew, cousin or grandson and it's been hard for them too, but he wasn't their son. He wasn't in their stomach for 9 months, they didn't give birth to my beautiful child and they didn't have to bury one of their children because he/she died by suicide. And thank the Lord they haven't...
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