This week is the National Suicide Awareness/Prevention
Week. One of the major reasons to support this, is to educate yourself and
those around you to watch for signs/symptoms/possible reason(s) why someone in
your life may consider suicide as an option to rid themselves of the pain they
may be in.
As I mentioned before we are approaching the 1 year “anniversary”
of the death of my son, Austin. It has been a long 11.5 months and not to
mention the horrifying 6 months leading up to his passing. No one ever knows or
has all the answers as to the reason(s) someone “decides” to take their own
life. There are no answers to the many questions and whys we ask ourselves. But
as I look back and attempt to put myself in my son’s shoes, I can pretend I
know why. Sometimes that’s enough, sometimes it isn’t.
In February 2011 we received some disturbing news from
our dentist at a routine cleaning. The best he could tell us was that there was
a large “spot” appearing on/in/around the left side of Austin’s jaw. He
referred us to an oral surgeon. Just the idea of this was frightening as we had
no idea what to expect. Austin had played the saxophone for 6 years and it was
for last of a better word or phrase, his life. Within a few weeks we had our
appointment with the specialist. He conducted a CT scan of Austin’s jaw and was
able to tell us that the jaw bone had in fact disintegrated. One eighth to
almost one forth of Austin’s jaw was gone, the only thing holding onto his
teeth were his gums which had in effect “swollen” to take the place of the bone
in order to keep his teeth in place. We
then scheduled a biopsy for the end of May. We ended up having to wait until
the later date in order for Austin to be able to perform/compete in the state
band competition. I mean it was his senior year it was the least we could do as
we were unsure what the effect the biopsy was going to have on his ability to
play. On top of this he was having some
problems with his girlfriend and in order to preserve all our sanity to a point
he ended the relationship. Austin was finally able to get his truck up and
running as well as registered, only to have it break down a few short weeks
later, something to do with the back axel. He then made a deal with his
grandmother for another vehicle, he had that one for about 6 months before the
engine blew(no oil). In within 10 weeks he had two vehicles crap out on him.
Yes he had a job but little to no hours to earn a viable paycheck to help get
either car up and on their “feet” again. Then last August our 19 year old cat
fell and was no longer able to care for herself. Austin was beside himself, he
loved that kitty. He argued with me for days on whether or not we should have
her put down and he was very angry with me for even suggesting it. In an effort
to have him understand the importance of preserving Likie’s life force and not having
her live in pain I had him take her to the vet. Where sadly the vet agreed she
should be put to sleep. Austin was there with just his younger sister to stand
by his side to do this. It broke his heart as it did with the rest of his
siblings. It’s never easy to loose a pet let alone one we’d had so long. And a
month later Austin was gone from the world.
Many other things were going on as well, some I knew some
I was completely in the dark about. He had gotten a speeding ticket and we made
him pay the ticket and take care of it himself. We did everything we could to
help insure he would gain the life experiences and ability to become a confident,
contributing young adult. I always did what I could to ensure he had what he
needed, when he’d tell me he needed it. Apparently he always wanted some things
that didn’t fit into our budget, extra’s I never thought was a need. Austin had
a fascination with knives. He had more pocket knives then any one person would
ever use in a lifetime. He loved them to the point he was caught shop lifting
sometime in July of 2011. He never said anything to me about this, he went to
court on his own, dealt with the consequences of his actions and had even more “bills”
he couldn’t afford to pay.
I found out about these court fines and fees the day
after his death by the detective working on his case and later found out my mom
knew but had promised him she would tell me. He was so afraid of being a disappointment
to me. So afraid I would be disappointed in him. I sometimes feel like I failed
in my ability to parent and teach him my love was unconditional. Yes, I would
have been disappointed he had stolen something, but that wouldn’t have made me
love him any less. On top of all this, the night before he died I had talked to
him about learning to grow his credit by applying to get his own cell phone
line, I told him I’d pay the bill provided he did a little more around the
house to earn it. However I don’t think he heard that part of the conversation,
I think all he heard was, he needed more money, he was being asked to take on
even more responsibility. My heart aches, and yes I have enormous guilt,
thinking had I just kept my mouth shut he’d still be here somehow. I miss him
so much it physically hurts me inside and out.
Everyone says the pain will lessen and time goes on and
logically I think I believe that but right now it’s an all consuming pain and
even typing this almost has me in hysterical tears. I’d do anything to take it
back, to have my son by my side as a living breathing person, I’d give up my
life for his. I honestly have no idea where I’m going any more, what I want out
of life. So I just make sure that each day I breathe, I get out of bed, I do
some laundry and most nights I cook dinner. Believe me when I say that half the
time I don’t want to: but then I look at my other children I am reminded why I’m
still here. They are the oxygen to my
lungs, the smile to my frown. And the other half of me knows why I’m here…for
them.
It’s amazing to me how “loudly” the logical side of me is
in constant “disagreement” with the emotional side of my being. And for the
most part the logical side of me wins out, and for that I thank the lord daily.
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