September 27th
When I've thought of this day, I figured I'd stay in bed and sleep it off, like a bad hangover. Good thing is I'm up and moving, had a scheduled therapy appointment with my new therapist and honestly (so far anyway) it was probably the smartest thing I could have done.
I have to say I hate today and love today ironically enough. I hate that he's been gone a full year, that he really won't walk through my front door and yell "Gotcha" today or any day. I hate realizing I won't hear his laughter, his sneezes, his attitude, his saxophone playing in the band, his snorting breath while he tried to breathe while eating, his noisy ass vehicles attempting to run, his snoring, his arguing as he debated every topic under the sun cause he always had to be right no matter what...his, everything.
This day last year started out as any other day... my issues at work were all consuming, my boss hated my guts and was doing everything in her power to "prove" to all the higher ups that I was crap and had no idea what I was doing... came home to the kids and all their activities and around 7pm the detectives showing up on my door step, a day I'd just prefer to forget...hearing those words, that one word that crushed me and our family....that suicide had once again doused our life force with pain, grief, suffering, anger, overwhelming sadness. That suicide could once again affect me and my family, felt and continues to feel somewhat surreal. I hate that my children have been forced to understand what it feels like to have their brother be gone. I hate that my children have to feel this pain, this depression, this inability to fix what is broken. I hated having to tell my kids Austin would never come home again and why.....
The phone calls having to be made to let the world know that my son was gone, that he was so deep in his depression that he no longer felt he could find his way out. That this world would now be without his amazing life force.
One of the worst nights of my life...
The day is almost over and I am more then grateful that it's finally "done" that we have somehow made it through this day.
May we continue to seek out hope and peace and someday soon learn how to live and not just survive.
When I've thought of this day, I figured I'd stay in bed and sleep it off, like a bad hangover. Good thing is I'm up and moving, had a scheduled therapy appointment with my new therapist and honestly (so far anyway) it was probably the smartest thing I could have done.
I have to say I hate today and love today ironically enough. I hate that he's been gone a full year, that he really won't walk through my front door and yell "Gotcha" today or any day. I hate realizing I won't hear his laughter, his sneezes, his attitude, his saxophone playing in the band, his snorting breath while he tried to breathe while eating, his noisy ass vehicles attempting to run, his snoring, his arguing as he debated every topic under the sun cause he always had to be right no matter what...his, everything.
This day last year started out as any other day... my issues at work were all consuming, my boss hated my guts and was doing everything in her power to "prove" to all the higher ups that I was crap and had no idea what I was doing... came home to the kids and all their activities and around 7pm the detectives showing up on my door step, a day I'd just prefer to forget...hearing those words, that one word that crushed me and our family....that suicide had once again doused our life force with pain, grief, suffering, anger, overwhelming sadness. That suicide could once again affect me and my family, felt and continues to feel somewhat surreal. I hate that my children have been forced to understand what it feels like to have their brother be gone. I hate that my children have to feel this pain, this depression, this inability to fix what is broken. I hated having to tell my kids Austin would never come home again and why.....
The phone calls having to be made to let the world know that my son was gone, that he was so deep in his depression that he no longer felt he could find his way out. That this world would now be without his amazing life force.
One of the worst nights of my life...
The day is almost over and I am more then grateful that it's finally "done" that we have somehow made it through this day.
May we continue to seek out hope and peace and someday soon learn how to live and not just survive.
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