The Past

Almost thirty years ago, at the age of 10, I found myself floating through my happy, little kid existence when life, as I knew it, was shattered.

I grew up in a simple home with simple means. My parents were blue collar workers, dad was a traveling sales person and my mom worked in odd jobs helping to make ends meet. They weren’t the happiest couple and tended to show that every once in a while. Sadly, I don’t remember to much of my childhood, small snip-its here and there of little things. When I was 4 years old we moved to a great house in a wonderful little neighborhood and I remember walking down the sidewalk confiding in my most loyal friend and confidant, Barbie. She always listened to my fears, my dreams and my hopes. I am the middle child of 5 kids in my family. One older brother, Danny, one older sister and two younger sisters. We were normal siblings’, we played games together, rarely shared our own toys and fought like little demons. My parents always had their hands full with us. They loved us and disciplined us the only way they knew how. They were never truly happy with each other. It always seemed like there was some underlying ‘thing’ that kept them at each others throats for one reason or another.

In the summer of 1982 they decided that they needed a break from each other so they separated for a time. As kids we each felt somewhat responsible for that, I mean don’t all kids take the weight of the world on their shoulders? Everything seemed more strained and we argued even more then usual that summer. After a few months my parents decided to try and work on their marriage for the sake of all of us. Personally I think they realized that neither one of them were able to raise all of us on their own. So once again we were all one big happy family by fall.

Never did any of us think that that would all change so dramatically in just a few short months.

Danny, being the only boy was Mr. Sportsman. He played every sport imaginable from baseball, basketball to football. He was the apple of my parent’s eye. From everything I remember and have been told he was a natural at everything he tried to do to.

However everything can change in an instant. On December 15, 1982 everything started out as any day did in our home, we went to school our parents went to work. After school my older sister stayed home to babysit our younger sisters, I disappeared to my friends house across the street and Danny had a game. From everything I’ve been told, my sister had found a note pinned to the wall addressed to my parents that day. After she read the note she became very concerned with what it meant. She made a bunch of calls and was really freaked out. I don’t know all the details, sometimes I’m glad I don’t, other times I wish I had all the answers. But that day changed everything, it distorted our normal.

Our lives were forever altered that day, My brother died, he had committed suicide. We buried him just days before Christmas that year. We were all in shock and saddened by his loss. We celebrated Christmas that year in tears and heartache. My parents each seems to disappear inside themselves. Going through the motions and doing everything possible to make the most of the holiday. We drifted through life after that point, my parents ignoring each other, blaming one another for Danny’s death. The fighting increased, everyone was miserable. It didn’t take long for my parents to separate once again, only this time for good. My mother could not be in our home anymore so she left and took me and my two younger sisters with her. My older sister chose to stay with our dad. Once again our lives changed.

(FYI-to those reading this, I am in no way shape or form looking or seeking for sympathy, I just feel a need to get this out and let people know the life goes on, that there is hope in all situations!)