As I sit here pondering my life and wondering what to do
with it next, I have to look at and through my past to see who I am. Where do I
go from here? Yes I am a mom, a wife, a daughter and a sister and yet what is all
that. I
sit here in my new home currently unemployed for the first time in 6 years and I
have to think to myself “what’s next?”. Every moment of every day the same
question runs through my mind. Never in my life did I think I would be subject
to having to be a suicide survivor not once (my brother 1982) but twice (my son 2011). And I wonder to myself how do I make my next big escape for the day. What novel can take me away and let me
disappear into the fictional life of someone else? I love reading and I have for
as many years as I can count. Reading has helped me see life in a whole new
light. The ability to sink into another life, picturing myself as the next
amazing heroine of the adventure of a life time, that definitely what I need.
And why not? What have I got to loose but myself in another world,
someone else imagination. Or maybe I could find some senseless online game
that takes my concentration away from reality. Forget my depression, toss away
my thoughts, find a way to more forward and breath.
I have one part of my "whats next" figured out and that is to get the word out ~ Suicide is preventable!!! No matter how difficult you find life, no matter the situation, there is HOPE. September 9th-15th is National Suicide Prevention/Awareness week and many large cities are hosting Out of the Darkness Walks to help raise money to benefit their cause. I feel that we need to get the word out, the idea of Suicide is still, very much, a taboo subject in our society, yet it is one of the largest causes of death in our country. No one wants to talk about it, let alone think it could happen to them. Yet it does, every day, every 14.2 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide. Nearly 1,000,000 people make a suicide attempt every year.
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.home
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
I mean really how is it possible to find myself in these
shoes, in this life? I’m not complaining just really confused. I have an
amazing husband who loves me unconditionally, children whom I adore and I would
do anything for, yet I feel like I have failed. Failed them, failed motherhood,
failed being a wife. And yet when the logical side of me wakes up from this
miserable revelry of failure and I know life is good. Love is what gets me
through this feeling of despair each and every day.
I struggle most days with even getting out of bed. I
don’t want to move, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to exist anymore. Wait…
What? Why not.. remember: amazing husband, adorable children: why would I not
want to get up and function and continue to make a home with my family?
I affectionately call it Forced Sanity (thanks Nicole)…
There are so many different ways to describe what this phrase means. For me, right now, it
means waking up every morning, putting a smile on my face and going about my
day. Loving my husband, my children and most importantly my life.
The only way through, is love and family (there may be one or two exceptions ;), just sayin'), we have to stick together. Not a day goes by that I don't ask the question why? or WTF? It sucks... when we get knocked down, we get up again. It's a natural human reaction. The key point being, we get up again. And again. And again. I love you, sis!
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