New year

As we come upon the new year...there are many opportunities to move forward, even thought my stomach continues to remain in knots...

I am sadly grateful for people that understand how I am feeling and what I feel like screaming out into the void I face each morning as I wake and go about my day. It has been 15 months since my son passed... To be honest I am so extremely conflicted each day with my feelings, emotions, interactions etc etc etc. As a child loosing a brother to suicide I was lost and angry that my family had to go through such hell. My parents were so over taken with his death(as is 'normal') that the rest of us were forgotten and shuffled to the way side, I resented them for that. Now I have been thrown into their shoes and I "get it". I don't want to function, yes I know I have my other children to think about but I feel incomplete, there is this gaping hole in my heart, in my very being that can not get passed the pain, I so do not want to "become" my parents and I very much hate this path I have been thrust upon. But I am at a loss as to how to "move forward" etc etc etc... this sucks ass ~ sigh 

Getting through Christmas tended to be a little easier then the new year but I kept myself in check... facing the "New Year" with the reality he is not here with us, knowing he wont be here yet again for another round of birthdays, family gatherings and holidays... Another year he would have had in college and another year of life we will all miss out on. The reminders continue to stack up one on top of the other of all the parts of life we will never have together with Austin. It makes me sad and sick to my stomach when I think all of the things that could have been, the future we will never have with him and how much I will miss him, miss seeing him be the man I knew he would be, the musician he had the desire to become. To live the life I knew he deserved and had the gumption to live. The emptiness that resides within our daily lives, within our home will never be filled. It may lesson with time, but we are nowhere near knowing how that feels yet.  His being, his life force was so big... his presence filled ever space he was in, and I miss that about him so much.