On Austin's 3rd Angelversary, I had the privilege to organize an Out of the Darkness walk not only to honor him but to all those beautiful souls we have lost to suicide in our community. It was a lot of hard work, but so worth it... I have yet to walk the path as I was pre-occupied with making sure everything was going as it should in addition to having some physical setbacks... I am reminded daily that he is near me always, in so many ways. I miss him as much today as I always have. Many people think that after the loss of a loved one to suicide that they should find a way to "be over it" by a certain time and that just isn't always true. When you loss a parent, grandparent, spouse etc to natural causes, cancer etc do you ever "get over" their deaths? Losing someone to suicide is, in my opinion, 10 times harder then any loss I have ever been through.
People look at suicide as a choice made by the person who has died and it isn't a choice they make willingly. And I want people to realize that just isn't true. When someone dies by suicide is it because they are sick, suicide is the cause of a mental illness. A person who dies by suicide doesn't really want to die they just want to end the pain they are in and they can not find any other means to end that pain.
Please if you are thinking about suicide don't be afraid to ask for help - reach out to your loved ones, friends, teachers or a co-worker. You are so important to so many people... YOU MATTER
Call the crisis line if you feel like you can't talk to anyone else 1 (800) 273-8255...
I came across the following "montage" of how "IT" feels from a survivors perspective, I am not sure who to credit for this so I apologize for not giving them recognition in advance - when I do find who to credit I will update this entry...
What "IT" Is!
It's been a year, you should be over it. What exactly is "IT"? But do people who have never suffered loss really know what "IT" is? To us, the grieving.
"IT" is Thanksgiving Day. trying to find something to be thankful for.
"IT" is Christmas without the merry, and New Years without the happy.
"IT" is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
"IT" is their birthday, but there is no them to celebrate.
"IT" is Valentine's Day, only this time no hearts and flowers to share with them, and your heart is broken.
"IT" is your birthday, and there is still no them to celebrate it with.
"IT" is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
"IT" is Easter and everyone is singing "Let us Rejoice and be Glad" but there is no rejoicing and no glad in your heart.
"IT" is Mother's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a mother made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
"IT" is Father's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a Father made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
"IT" is the 4th of July and the celebrations remind you just how little you feel you have to celebrate now.
"IT" is vacation time and you just stay home, because there is nowhere to go to not feel so empty.
"IT" is Halloween and you pass out candy, but you remember all the memories of past happy times together and make you sad.
"IT" is seeing milestones in your life progress and pass and your loved one is gone, never to share them with.
"IT" is looking at the moon and wondering if they see the same moon like the two of you always did in the past.
"IT" is receiving the first wedding invitation to their friend's wedding and knowing that life goes on without your loved one. "IT" is going back into that church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are on you.
"IT" is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
"IT" is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things you had hoped to do together, and doing it all when all of your energy has been used for grieving.
"IT" is being strong when you really feel weak.
"IT" is dealing With all the legality of estates and such when all you want to do is hibernate .
"IT" is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn't ask for, didn't want and can't even give away.
"IT" is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with their name or even face. and it hits you in the face that THlS IS REAL!
"IT" is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of their personal belongings.
"IT" is approaching the first anniversary of their death and reliving it all-oh yes, some things might be better but the void is no less.
"IT" is people forgetting and you cry, and people remembering and you cry.
"IT" is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness. "IT" is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams ...
So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over "IT" by now, you should just tell them what "IT" really is!
No no no, I love you more Buggie... <3
