Life Continues

It's amazing to me how fast life moves forward, yet in moments tends to stand completely still. In the 3 1/2 years since Austin has been gone so much has changed for us not only emotionally and mentally but geographically and environmentally etc.

I find that not only am I able to smile and laugh again but so are my children, smiling and laughing learning to love ourselves and trust in others. Sometimes, more often then not its so pure and genuine. There continue to be times where we fake it and I think from experience that will always be the case. But these moments of real joy are here and they feel good. There isn't a day that goes by where we don't miss Austin and at times I even forget he's really gone from this world and working his mission in the next life. We will have eternity to work on where we went wrong. Don't get me wrong I still have guilt, I'm not entirely sure I will rid myself of that, but I will continue to ask for the Lord's help in combatting that feeling and allow him to work with me to lessen those feelings.

I've always known I tend to be a negative person, the glass is half empty kind of girl... that's a hard habit to break after 40+ years of living that way. But I'm in a better place then I've ever really been mentally and emotionally. I have a job I am truly enjoying, I work some amazingly kind people. And for once I feel good enough about myself to enjoy that feeling.

Things continue to work in our favor in many ways. And when we allow the joy to continue to return, even if only in bits and pieces, we can continue to learn to live again and not just survive.  Survival is necessary in the beginning and right now that survival mode continues to work for us for many reasons... but living, truly living is so much better.

Raising teenagers after a traumatic life event is so very difficult. Now I know why my parents struggled and failed. I'm still bitter and resentful about that but I am working on forgiveness. Its a big pill to swallow.  I worry how this will affect their futures... they are fighting to find themselves, fighting to understand their emotions...etc. It's so hard to watch them having to endure this roller coaster as I had to growing up, breaks my heart. When will the stigma end, when will we as a society learn to talk about, accept, and work together to understand the depths of Mental illness?!?!

We are working toward being a unified  functioning family unit, but it's hard. The behavioral roller coasters are so crazy, happy and getting along one minute and ready to tear each other apart the next. As we once again begin to embark on one more move to another hone, another environment I pray that the Lord continues to be our sides. Helping us to grow, accept change and learn to lean on each other for strength. Not a far move but enough of one where new friends will need to be made by us all, new schools for the two youngest and hopefully a stopping point where we can feel settled once again. In a home to call our own in exchange for a small apartment with communal walls and shared rooms. A place to gather our bearings, have space to retreat to without feeling invaded by someone else. My hope is that my girls will learn to respect each others differences, and maybe learn to step out of their comfort zones and find friends and prayerfully the Lord to help guide them as they ready themselves for their futures. And for my baby to find out he really can fit in and be accepted by his peers.

And remember if you are struggling or know someone who is, reach out for hope, reach out for help, call the 24/7 Crisis line 1-800-273-8255 or if you're under 18 text 741-741 there is always someone out there available to listen....

3 Years Gone By

Three years sometimes seems like forever, yet it also feels just like yesterday...

On Austin's 3rd Angelversary, I had the privilege to organize an Out of the Darkness walk not only to honor him but to all those beautiful souls we have lost to suicide in our community. It was a lot of hard work, but so worth it... I have yet to walk the path as I was pre-occupied with making sure everything was going as it should in addition to having some physical setbacks... I am reminded daily that he is near me always, in so many ways. I miss him as much today as I always have. Many people think that after the loss of a loved one to suicide that they should find a way to "be over it" by a certain time and that just isn't always true. When you loss a parent, grandparent, spouse etc to natural causes, cancer etc do you ever "get over" their deaths? Losing someone to suicide is, in my opinion, 10 times harder then any loss I have ever been through. 
People look at suicide as a choice made by the person who has died and it isn't a choice they make willingly. And I want people to realize that just isn't true. When someone dies by suicide is it because they are sick, suicide is the cause of a mental illness. A person who dies by suicide doesn't really want to die they just want to end the pain they are in and they can not find any other means to end that pain. 
Please if you are thinking about suicide don't be afraid to ask for help - reach out to your loved ones, friends, teachers or a co-worker. You are so important to so many people... YOU MATTER
Call the crisis line if you feel like you can't talk to anyone else 1 (800) 273-8255... 

I came across the following "montage" of how "IT" feels from a survivors perspective, I am not sure who to credit for this so I apologize for not giving them recognition in advance - when I do find who to credit I will update this entry...

What "IT" Is!

It's been a year, you should be over it. What exactly is "IT"? But do people who have never suffered loss really know what "IT" is? To us, the grieving.

"IT" is five days after the funeral, and your world caves in with reality of the loss.
"IT" is Thanksgiving Day. trying to find something to be thankful for.
"IT" is Christmas without the merry, and New Years without the happy.
"IT" is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
"IT" is their birthday, but there is no them to celebrate.
"IT" is Valentine's Day, only this time no hearts and flowers to share with them, and your heart is broken.
"IT" is your birthday, and there is still no them to celebrate it with.
"IT" is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
"IT" is Easter and everyone is singing "Let us Rejoice and be Glad" but there is no rejoicing and no glad in your heart.
"IT" is Mother's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a mother made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
"IT" is Father's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a Father made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
"IT" is the 4th of July and the celebrations remind you just how little you feel you have to celebrate now.
"IT" is vacation time and you just stay home, because there is nowhere to go to not feel so empty.
"IT" is Halloween and you pass out candy, but you remember all the memories of past happy times together and make you sad.
"IT" is seeing milestones in your life progress and pass and your loved one is gone, never to share them with.
"IT" is looking at the moon and wondering if they see the same moon like the two of you always did in the past.
"IT" is receiving the first wedding invitation to their friend's wedding and knowing that life goes on without your loved one. "IT" is going back into that church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are on you.
"IT" is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
"IT" is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things you had hoped to do together, and doing it all when all of your energy has been used for grieving.
"IT" is being strong when you really feel weak.
"IT" is dealing With all the legality of estates and such when all you want to do is hibernate .
"IT" is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn't ask for, didn't want and can't even give away.
"IT" is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with their name or even face. and it hits you in the face that THlS IS REAL!
"IT" is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of their personal belongings.
"IT" is approaching the first anniversary of their death and reliving it all-oh yes, some things might be better but the void is no less.
"IT" is people forgetting and you cry, and people remembering and you cry.
"IT" is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness. "IT" is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams ...
So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over "IT" by now, you should just tell them what "IT" really is!

No no no, I love you more Buggie... <3

Nearly 18 Months

This last 6 months seems as though they have been so much harder then the first 12 months since he left us. I think about him daily, wondering if he'd have chosen to move with us, wondering if we'd have thought to move at all. Would he have moved to Colorado on his own to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. Would he have a steady girlfriend who would love all his crazy antics as much as we all did or would she have been someone that calmed him and made him finally feel fully a part of something vs. always wondering who he was and where he belonged.
I wonder even more who/how my other kids would be. Without the depression and anger that seem to be what defines them now. Would they be kinder to each other, would they be kinder to themselves. Would they be more eager to want to be home with each other instead of finding ways not to be around one another.
Suicide has a way of changing everything and everyone it touches. The loss of Austin has not only taken him away from us but it has also caused us to lose a large chunk of ourselves. Who we thought we were, what we thought we needed, deserved, or chose our lives to be.
I can't be around others without being a total buzz kill to whatever the conversation may be, my constant "need" to talk about suicide scares people away. Somehow many people have this 'preconveived' thought that the more suicide is talked about they are more likely to have it happen to them or even more strangely they think that by talking about it, it glorifies the act and makes others more likely to die by suicide.
They're wrong. No one tries to understand the reasons behind it, they don't realise just how bad having a mental illness defines the persons who complete this act.
Depression and other mental illnesses are a disease, they are more likely never to have a cure for them just like they will probably never have a cure for type 1 diabetes and many forms of cancer. Like cancer, through the use of medication and therapy you can go into a sort of remission and may not need medication for life but it is always there. It never fully goes away.
I pray for my family daily as well as the other hundreds of thousands people that will be affected by suicide this year will find themselves again and learn to love themselves and others once again.

New year

As we come upon the new year...there are many opportunities to move forward, even thought my stomach continues to remain in knots...

I am sadly grateful for people that understand how I am feeling and what I feel like screaming out into the void I face each morning as I wake and go about my day. It has been 15 months since my son passed... To be honest I am so extremely conflicted each day with my feelings, emotions, interactions etc etc etc. As a child loosing a brother to suicide I was lost and angry that my family had to go through such hell. My parents were so over taken with his death(as is 'normal') that the rest of us were forgotten and shuffled to the way side, I resented them for that. Now I have been thrown into their shoes and I "get it". I don't want to function, yes I know I have my other children to think about but I feel incomplete, there is this gaping hole in my heart, in my very being that can not get passed the pain, I so do not want to "become" my parents and I very much hate this path I have been thrust upon. But I am at a loss as to how to "move forward" etc etc etc... this sucks ass ~ sigh 

Getting through Christmas tended to be a little easier then the new year but I kept myself in check... facing the "New Year" with the reality he is not here with us, knowing he wont be here yet again for another round of birthdays, family gatherings and holidays... Another year he would have had in college and another year of life we will all miss out on. The reminders continue to stack up one on top of the other of all the parts of life we will never have together with Austin. It makes me sad and sick to my stomach when I think all of the things that could have been, the future we will never have with him and how much I will miss him, miss seeing him be the man I knew he would be, the musician he had the desire to become. To live the life I knew he deserved and had the gumption to live. The emptiness that resides within our daily lives, within our home will never be filled. It may lesson with time, but we are nowhere near knowing how that feels yet.  His being, his life force was so big... his presence filled ever space he was in, and I miss that about him so much.

 

The Worst Loss of All...

The Worst Loss Of All

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world, that your beloved child died...
Let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing their laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.
Never hearing them say “I love you”…nothing - just silence, emptiness.
Now imagine never seeing your child’s smile, never seeing him/her upset or happy, never watching him/her sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7, you smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at their pictures and can only cry - what happened, why!?.. You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear his/her voice, to see his/her face again, and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix it.
Now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to pain, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Everything you loved now hurts like nothing you can explain… For example: music, I used to love music, it gave me pleasure, I didn’t realize how much music was a part of my life and how it is everywhere, now I cannot listen to it, it sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open.. like the old song, the day the music died, that’s me, and believe it or not, almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child, I am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know.
That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child.
Just ONE example!
You feel the loss with every thought, every emotion, and the loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. even with your other children, you still love your other children just as much as always, but as hard as it is, even they hurt you now, because when you see them you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died not being with their siblings. It doesn't’ fit, there is a piece missing, your whole life doesn’t fit anymore. Everything that felt right, now feels wrong. And of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control missing… As good parents we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children... this we cannot fix, cannot make it better. So on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helpless...out of control and hopeless…and this is universal, every parent that truly loves their child will feel this. Are you starting to imagine now how it feels? and you are doing this exercise for 10 minutes, imagine, really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 - Day after day, month after month, and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to, a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind. your child when he was a baby, a laughing happy little boy, a cute young teen, a wonderful young man and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life…but that is a fear you have, that as time passes you will start to forget…so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions. This is what it really feels like. a part of you has died, don’t just read the words, FEEL them - died, gone forever… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living, left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!! A part of you does not exist any more and it is scary as hell... that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss... you cannot compare it to another loss, with other losses you grieve and you are of course sad, but when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist, gone just like that, gone no warning, just gone. And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are - are Gone!!!
That is why when parents who have lost children hear “I want the old you back”, “it’s been a year (a month, 6 months-whatever), and don’t you feel better yet?” “You are doing this to yourself, you’re making it harder on yourself”, “grief can become a selfish thing you know”, we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves; we are just trying to hold on.
So were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? Even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain, I would not wish it any anyone, but did you get a sense of how Life changing it is? Imagine you feel this 24/7, not even getting a moments relief from it! Now go on and put on your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music...go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch them smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding onto this, or that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven’t lost a beloved child of yours, you haven’t got a clue.
Now when you hear these words “the presence of his absence is everywhere”, will you finally understand?

~ written by Louise Lagerman & Diana Dimasi

 

Holidays...

We made it through Thanksgiving... albeit not easy with just ourselves...but I made all the traditional items to enjoy. Now we have Christmas to get through...personally if I could crawl into a cave and hibernate from Sept. 27th through Jan. 2nd I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to be awake because every waking moment throughout the "holidays" is a reminder that my family no longer feels complete. I am sadly grateful not to "have" to go to family gatherings or most Christmas parties. I know it sounds pathetic, but watching everybody celebrating with 'all' their family members is just so freaking hard... and yes I've said this before, but it just hurts so damn much. There is this constant, gut wrenching, nagging, anxious ridden, depressing feeling knawing at the pit of my stomach, that never seems to go away. And tends to be more obvious and annoying as we inch closer to Christmas. I avoided placing Austins personal ornaments on our Christmas tree this year simply because I just don't want to look at them, and unless the kids read this blog I don't think they've even noticed. I am eternally grateful for the ornament exchange group I had been apart of for a few years before moving. There are so many new ornaments on my tree, its all filled up.
I was fortunate to dream of Austin last night and feel slightly assured he is well and happy and that is always a relief... but it is also the cause of more emotional upheavals right now. I feel like this roller coaster continues to be never ending... the brakes have been cut and there are no emergency brakes on this sucker at all.
There is so much emotional ups and downs from everyone at home as well, if it were just me it might be tolerable, but with all of us on a different high or low of our individual roller coasters its hard to walk in that door every night. No one knows how each evening will unfold. Whether there will be joy and laughter or anger and door slamming. And typically its the latter of the two...making for a long/cranky evening for everyone.
I've also gained a new understanding as to why my mother can no longer hold down a job for any length of time.&nbsp; I never know how I'm going to feel each morning as I awake and get ready for the day. Nor do I know how long that feeling will last whether it be positive or negative. Some days I can be on the verge of tears over everything said or done or not said or done. Or I can feel 'normal' like everything is just what it is or I can be the 'miss happy go lucky, overly positive do gooder'. And it never fails I can tell every stranger that crosses my path that no matter how difficult my sons death has been, or any circumstance we happen to talk about, that there is always something positive that can be derived from it all. When in fact I feel like another part of me is dying with each word and each breath in between.
Honestly, I've realized I still have no idea which way is up or which way is down yet and most days I wonder if I'll ever gain that footage again.
As always, may you find peace no matter what you're going through.
http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-73.pdf
 

Back to Guilt

The feelings of guilt seem never ending. It doesnt seem to matter what I do or how I do it, what I say or how I say it, back to work or stay at home mom...it's wrong in at least one persons opinion. I know this sounds like a pity trip and maybe to some degree it is. I am not perfect, nor is there a life manual to help me meet the expectations of those around me. I am me, I am hurting, I am sad and most of the time I am still lost in this pit of dispair.
I've gone back to work and my baby boy throws a new found feeling of abandonment at me. This breaks my heart because I know how much he is hurting and how much change he has been asked to accept. Yet I am unwilling to move back to our former town. One of my daughters falls into the teenage bandwagon and "accepts" challenges of additional self harm then the actions she already takes and I feel powerless to help her. One daughter has taken it upon herself to tell me I am doing everything wrong because I do not approach family problems in a manner she thinks is best, as I am not fitting the bill of mother in her opinion.
And now the holidays are upon us...I constantly have the T.V. playing the never ending Christmas movies in the hopes to put me in the mood for wanting to enjoy the holidays and honestly I think i'd rather be put in a medically induced coma until they are over... I pray this feeling ends in the years of holidays to come. It is so hard to want to enjoy them when your family unit is forever altered and feels incomplete. Family gathers of any nature feel wrong and depressing and this year I am some what glad we live too far away to be present for them and unable to afford the trip. Again this is selfish (and guilt inducing) because I know the kids would benefit from attending them and finding their normal for the holidays.
I find myself spacing off and finding solace in just feeling numb, which is so much easier then feeling anything good or bad.
To those who have found themself in these shoes, may you find peace in knowing your loved one is no longer lost or in pain. As I try to remember each and every moment of each and every day.